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xue yang | the untamed

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WHO: xiao xingchen + open
WHEN: march
WHAT: a blind cultivator out and about
WHERE: around gazin
WARNINGS: none, will update if necessary

Gazin.

Xiao Xingchen's time since arriving in Gazin has been...turbulent. The change in location hasn't bothered him as much as it might some. He does still worry for A-Qing every day, but reminds himself that she's a clever girl. He can only hope that she doesn't find too much trouble.

The other member of their strange little family had arrived here with him, a great help and a comfort....until Xiao Xingchen finally found out who he really is, a question that he'd never asked. And that's when his heart had truly been unsettled for the first time in his life. His arm is still bandaged from the injury he received during a recent night hunt, bad enough to keep him from going on one since, though it's mostly healed now. It redirected him back to the other task that he needs to accomplish: finding a job.

It's not easy. For the most part people are nicer here, but they still doubt a blind man's abilities. Others are too wary of any man with two swords across his back now to take a chance.

He's discouraged, but he buys a small bit of bread in the marketplace, a piece of fruit. It's cheaper than the tavern nearby, and Xingchen just needs something to fill his stomach to fuel him forward. He finds an out-of-the-way place in the market to eat, listening to the sounds of life around him.

Returning home. (closer to dusk)

There were many days when he did not expect to ever return here, this place that his companion - that Xue Yang found for them. The man had been persistent after he left, making sure that Xingchen was taken care of even when all of his gifts were rejected.

His heart hasn't completely righted itself, but he knows one thing for sure: Xue Yang has killed no one here. He hasn't even attacked, and barely even has the means to do so after surrendering everything over to Xiao Xingchen. He'd like to think that he's been made less naive, but maybe he's not, because he keeps thinking that maybe he can keep the other man on the correct path, one of harmony with this new life. Xingchen's made it clear that he must submit himself to justice if and when they return, because those that he's murdered deserve nothing less. But for now..maybe he can be a sheath for that dangerous blade.

Xingchen steps up onto the small porch, pausing when he hears the first approach of footsteps.

"Is that you?"

He tilts his head a little more, waiting to hear if they're familiar or not.

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Xingchen will probably smell drying blood in the air too, but the footsteps are steady. Xue Yang pauses, just watching the blind man for a moment before smiling to himself.

"I'm here," he confirms. There are days for him too where he half expects to come back to find it empty again, Xiao Xingchen either still dead or just gone again. Each time the man comes back, or is there when he comes home for the night, joy flashes through him all over again.

He hefts the basket of groceries a little, shifting his weight so it rests more on a hip than his own, freshly wounded arm. His job, after all, isn't the safest. And without Jiangzai, Xue Yang has to rely on being that much faster in getting his dagger close enough to work on whatever is attacking the merchant's wares.

"Are you hungry?"

Edited 2020-03-05 02:25 (UTC)

Xiao Xingchen's heart stops. He smells blood, and he doesn't know if it's Xue Yang's or because of Xue Yang. He only has a dagger now, but his steps sounded so steady.

Xue Yang asks him that question, and at that moment he's definitely not hungry. He's on the verge of trembling. If he's hurt someone...if he's murdered someone...

Xingchen's breath catches. There's something strange about the way Xue Yang is standing. He can't see it, but he can tell in other ways.

"Xue Yang, what happened?"

He comes back down the steps and reaches a tentative hand out to touch the other man.

He watches the other's expression as closely as ever. Sees the doubt, the recognition, and then the strange...fear? It has him frown, but he doesn't pull away when Xingchen approaches and reaches for him. Had he thought-? Of course he had. He rolls his eyes tolerantly.

And then he sees when Xingchen figures out the blood is his, rather than someone else's. Or at least suspects enough to ask. It's enough that he smiles again. "I had to get the merchant and his wares safely through the forest today," he begins. "Some of the creatures there didn't like it." He doesn't sound too concerned with being mostly unarmed, even with the wounded arm.

There's no lie there, though Xiao Xingchen might've made his mind up evn before he heard his story. A story which makes him frown even more.

"You shouldn't have been in the forest with just a dagger." Wasn't he the one Who asked Xingchen to protect Lady Wen for that very same reason? He reaches for the basket before guiding him inside.

"I'll heat some water. How far up does it go?"

Xue Yang doesn't even look at his sword strapped to Xingchen's back. Watching the other man move and breathe is far more captivating even than his own precious sword. He still doesn't regret handing everything over when only his sword had been asked for. Not when it had gotten Xingchen to move back in with him.

The scold has him laugh though, even as he lets himself be led inside, sans basket. "That's where the job took me today, it's alright, Daozhang." The continuing hints of care and concern are more than enough to make the pain vanish.

But he's also not going to just ignore the question. Not from Xiao Xingchen. So he prods at the arm, tugging cloth away without regard to making fresh blood seep out from under the forming scabs. "Four slashes across the whole left arm," he informs the other man, tone unconcerned.

"You should've came and got me." Because that would've impressed Xue Yang's boss, his bodyguard needing a bodyguard, and a blind one at that. But Xingchen doesn't care, he only knows that it was dangerous for him to go there on his own.

"Be gentle." He smells the fresh blood, and it's strange to need to remind someone to be careful with themself when injured, but apparently Xue Yang needs that sort of reminder. "Take your shirt off." While he busies himself with heating the water, with finding a rag and some soap. Xingchen gathers everything up and brings it over, turning a chair for the other man to sit in.

"Take this. It'll help with the pain."

Xingchen unwraps something and holds it to his lips - not an elixir, just a regular candy. But if he tells him that, he just might believe it.

There's a flash of delight at the clear care in that statement, and he knows he's grinning. "It's better I attack the monsters Daozhang, I can handle them." And better than attacking people. Xue Yang still needs an outlet for his aggression and love of violence. Fighting the beasts of the forest is a good one, full of the thrill of danger as well as being useful to his employer.

He blinks at being told to be gentle with himself, confused because he's never been all that gentle with his own wounds. But if Xiao Xingchen wants him to be...he'll try. He's a bit more careful when he removes his shirt, though the motion still coaxes a little more blood out so by the time he takes a seat, most of the matted blood has fallen off, with fresh slowly dripping down his arm.

He smiles again when the piece of candy is pressed to his lips, and he takes it, unable to help the quick flick of tongue at fingertips in the process. "I feel better already, thank you!" But. Because it's Xingchen, wanting to take care of him.

Nearby, on break from working the tavern, is a Clark, wearing local clothes at this point, and smiling as he polishes off something vaguely like an apple, slowly, savoring it.

Spotting the other man, he raises a hand in greeting, a smile on his face. He's a fairly common sight around town, between working the tavern and wandering to check out local lands.

"Fine day for it, yes?"

Xingchen frowns at the gashes that he feels in the sleeve of his shirt, but even more at the blood on it that leaves his fingertips damp and stained a red that he can't see. He'll try to mend it for him, but it's placed aside for now so that he can tend to Xue Yang's wounds instead.

"Tell me if I hurt you." He kneels down beside him, wringing the cloth out in the warm water before he starts cleaning the wounds. It feels familiar, taking him back to that night in Yi City when he found him just in time to steal Xue Yang back from a coffin. Does he regret it? Would he have done anything differently if he'd know?

The answer to both is no. He would've done the same all over again. Even if he knew about the coffin that waits for him.

He dips the cloth back in the water, working diligently, lightly dabbing at the wounds so as not to cause too much pain. He's thoughtful too, never one to ask questions, but more and more there are things his heart wants to know. He draws in a breath to ask, but then he can't find the words. Xingchen slides his hand under his wrrist, lifting his arm so that he can start wrapping the clean bandages around it.

"You might be left with scars." And Xingchen will always know that he's the one to blame for them. "You've lost blood. Do you need to lie down?"

Xue Yang plans to mend his shirt himself, simply because he can see the tears. But he'll never tell Xingchen what he can't do.

He frowns, seeing blood on the other's hand, but doesn't comment past the tight throat as memories threaten to choke him. Breathes through it, accepting the pain as his due, ignoring it as Xingchen works on cleaning the gashes. Just as he had when he'd first found him almost dead, beginning the change of how Xue Yang thought of him.

His expression now is the same as back then. Awed, infatuated. He even doesn't flinch with how close Xingchen's hand comes to his mangled left hand, unlike the last time.

"I don't care if I do," he answers carelessly. Unaware that Xiao Xingchen blames himself for them. Instead, he tilts his head, wondering about the feeling there's something Xingchen wants to ask. "What is it? You can ask me anything."

He doesn't shake his head, knowing the room would spin. "Sitting is fine, I want to keep you company...if...you don't mind...?" Reminding himself to make the effort to ask, if only this man, is a definite effort. But worth it.

More and more, Xingchen is getting an idea of just how readable he is. Or maybe it's just Xue Yang's talent. Maybe he can read him, especially after the years of living with him while his defenses were down.

He places his hands in his lap. What does he want to ask? What answers does he want to hear? The truth, of course. And more and more he's believing that Xue Yang will give him that, disarming himself in every way he can.

"As long as it doesn't weaken you." He doesn't mind the company. Xingchen would remind himself that he shouldn't even need it, or crave it, he's Baoshan Sanren's disciple. But he's gotten used to it in just a couple of years. He enjoys it, wants it. His fingers curl into the roughspun fabric of his clothing.

"Why couldn't you have always been this man?"

He presses his lips together as soon as he says the words. It's an unfair question. It's a selfish question. Because what Xingchen can't stop thinking about is how much easier it would be to allow himself what he wants, what his heart wants. If only Xue Yang had always been this person sitting within reach of him now.

Xingchen recognizes his voice, from visiting the marketplace nearby and even resting in the tavern a time or two, even if they've never spoken before. He lifts his head, the proximity of the man's greeting leading him to believe it was meant for him.

"The weather is very pleasant here." He smiles at him. "It sounds like you're enjoying it too. Are you working outside or simply finished for the day?"

"I'll be careful!" He chirps his promise. Anything, if it means he doesn't get sent to bed because Xingchen doesn't want him to do more harm to himself. Xue Yang doesn't seem to notice the lack of a shirt, this home of theirs is kept at a warmer temperature than they ever managed at Yi City. And it's not like Xingchen can see, anyway. Touch...Xue Yang would hardly discourage him!

But the question, that question, clearly not what the blind man had intended to ask...has his jaw close almost with a click.

On one hand...the man he's trying so hard to be here is apparently just the sort of man Xiao Xingchen wants. On the other...it's not his true self. Not the self he's been forced into being, the self he's been beaten into. He never felt it quite so keenly before now, and he has to dig fingers into the cloth at his knees to keep from trembling.

He wants to pace. Wants to lash out.

But he doesn't. He swallows the pain down as best he can. But when he tries to answer, his voice is rough. "I had no one like you, Daozhang...No one cared about a thing like me. I was always...angry. I needed...

"A reason." And now he has that reason.

[xiao xingchen has always viewed the world in such a simple way. there are actions that are correct, that contribute to the greater, good. and there are actions that are harmful, that disrupt everything and must be answered for. right and wrong, in essence. he doesn't cling to any of the things that he's been called, but he knows that he's been called a gentle man, a virtuous man. if asked if he was born one, he would say no. it was from his master's teachings that he learned everything.

what if a child doesn't have a master, or has the wrong sort. how long would it take to undo incorrect lessons, if they could be undone at all?

these are not questions he'd ever considered before. but having xue yang in his life, he's being faced with more and more of them.]

You are not a 'thing'. [he can say that much with certainty, even if his voice is soft. after another long moment, xiao xingchen reaches up to take his hand.] You have a reason. But you also must remember that you're someone else's reason. That...however much you're tempted, however easy it would be....

[there's suddenly a lump in xingchen's throat, hard to speak around and hard to swallow around. he spits out the words when he can, more directly than ever before.]

If I lose you, I will be angry and hurt and lost, the same way you were Xue Yang.

[he will damn his reason to his own painful beginning.]

'Not a thing' echoes in his mind. And then Xiao Xingchen...takes his hand. All other thought silences as Xue Yang stares at the angel before him. Hardly daring, or able, to breathe, let alone speak.

Senses filled only with Xingchen. His words. His touch. How he looks, speaking so quietly but painfully. Even his sweet smell.

Someone...else's reason...?

Horror sinks in at the last statement. He grips Xingchen's hand tightly and falls to his knees, bandaged arm flinging out to wrap around the other man's waist as he presses his face to Xingchen's stomach. Holding on for dear life as he trembles.

There is no thought to it. Just a desperate sudden need to hold on.

"You won't lose me!" He whispers fiercely, desperation lacing hot and painful even in voice and words.

Xingchen should know by now that Xue Yang does nothing by half. It was true when he was a murderer, and it's just as true now as he tries to be something else. He's shocked by his sudden movement and the extremeness of his promise, until it finally clicks that this is the way he feels everything - extremes, with little moderation.

"Your arm." He touches his shoulder lightly, but he doubts that his reminder will do any good. This is more important to him. He is more important to him. It's something Xingchen must believe and accept, which maybe makes him less of a fool for his own feelings. Maybe.

"Okay. It's okay." Xingchen strokes his hair, trying to soothe him over his own pounding heart. "You won't lose me either."

It's such a huge thing to say. But there is a balance here that Xingchen has finally made peace with. He'll accept him. And if things should go their worst, he'll also accept responsibiity for him.

It's the only way.

"Sit up. Not like this. It's better if I put my arms around you."

Never by half. All in or all out, that's how Xue Yang has always lived. How he survives. He gives everything he decides to do his all. Even if it ends with him wounded. It's never mattered before.

Now...it does.

The light touch, the gentle reminder aren't enough, for once, to make him pull away. Xue Yang only clings a little tighter. But then Xiao Xingchen promises him that he won't lose him either.

He feels...undone. Completely, utterly at a loss how to continue. How to find his footing again, when up and down hardly feel right. Doesn't matter. Not as long as Xingchen is safe.

Orders, to sit up. And a reason why, as well as a reason to do so. It still takes effort. Chest, heaving. Trembling making movement a challenge. But eventually he manages it, lips stubbornly pressed closed, head lowered but eyes fixed back on Xingchen.

Waiting. Hoping that he hasn't let go only to have his world shattered again. One. Last. Time.

"On break, currently. I'm working a long shift at the tavern today. Not that I mind, but it makes getting outside to breathe the air all the more important I think."

Clark smiles as he talks and his warmth and happiness, for whatever it is worth, likely shows in his voice. A simple life is no bad thing to him.

"How is the day treating you?"

Xingchen feels his reluctance, helps ease him back up into a sitting position. Everything is about to change, he can sense it, like smelling the first signs of spring in the air. He's always welcomed it before. It's inevitable, and to feel any other way puts one out of balance with the natural way of things.

Maybe he should think more that way now. Maybe then things wouldn't feel so overwhelming.

He leans forward, feeling along Xue Yang's arms and making sure to be careful of his freshly bandaged wounds. And then he wraps his arms around him. He draws himself closer, until he can feel the other man's breath against his neck.

"All these things I've asked you to do, they must be painful and confusing to you."

The words are whispered. For Xue Yang, violence is natural. Selfishness is natural. He's fighting all these battles inside of him just to stay by Xiao Xingchen's side.

"If it hurts, you can talk to me. You don't have to be cheerful when you're not, you can tell me what I can do to help you. I will."

Edited 2020-03-08 13:34 (UTC)

No one except this man has ever helped him up. Everyone else either simply didn't care, saw him as just a tool and fixed him up only enough that he was useful to them before being cast aside again. But not this precious, perfect angel.

That he'd destroyed, and realized how he felt far too late to stop...anything. Here in Gazin, he has Xiao Xingchen back. And here, there are nights where he lies awake, just staring at the other man. Watching his chest rise and fall, proving he's alive.

Sitting up where Xingchen wants him, Xue Yang is barely able to breathe as he waits, holding still. Watches. Pricks of pain as Xingchen runs light hands over his wounded arm are ignored. Then completely forgotten as the other man's arms gently curl around him. Pull him close until it feels far too natural to rest his forehead against Xingchen's shoulder. Breath still too fast.

"I'm used to pain," he answers automatically. "I can handle it." If he keeps telling himself that, it becomes true right?

He shudders a little, digging fingernails into palms before he pulls back slightly. He slowly reaches up, fingers uncurling on one hand to very lightly brush over Xingchen's cheek. "I just...want you to be happy again...See you smile. Hear you laugh.

"Nothing else matters."

More and more, he understands him - he doesn't excuse him. But Xingchen makes an effort to listen to him, to understand. He's learning a little bit more about the world, and it's a shame that it's about how cruel it can really be.

No wonder. No wonder Xue Yang clings to sweetness and to him, the only two pleasures that he has in this world. Xiao Xingchen shouldn't need any. His life is supposed to be simple and removed from such things.

But then Xue Yang touches his cheek.

"I...want the same from you." To hear his laughter and his teasing. To feel his smile. Those things have been so rare lately, or faked. It scares him...can Xue Yang live this life and be that way again? Is it selfish of him to hope for it?

Xiao Xingchen leans in, impulsively pressing a kiss against Xue Yang's mouth. A test. A pleasure.

"Hard work makes you appreciate such things all the more I believe." Xingchen slides down the wooden bench that he's sitting on, making room. "Please, sit and rest yourself. I have food to share if you're hungry."

He enjoys the simple life himself, though it's all he's ever really known. He had his chances though, when all of the Sects tried to recruit him for their own. His life could've been completely different. But he wouldn't have had it any other way.

"It's been long. I started early, but I haven't had much luck in my searching."

Xue Yang wants to protect him from the harsh world, but knows he can't. Not really. Not entirely, if just because he's in it and he's...still a monster. But a monster that's trying to be better now. He can't change what he's done, but he can dedicate himself to not doing those things again. And so far, in Gazin, he's been doing a good job. Not even Hanguang-Jun can say he's broken their truce.

He startles a little at the words. Wonder and awe settling in as he stares intently at Xingchen. Dares to press his hand a little more, cupping a pale cheek. Xingchen didn't flinch from his touch.

Then Xiao Xingchen leans in. A kiss. Knowing full well who it is he's kissing, this time. It makes his heart leap and chest grow tight. Shock is the only reason he doesn't immediately press into it, but as soon as it starts to fade, he kisses back. Fingers trembling a little where pressed to Xingchen's cheek.

He doesn't let himself ask for more, not yet. Not matter how much he wants to curl around this man and kiss him all over.

His breath huffs out when he pulls back a little, a bit of a shaky little laugh.

"I told you, Xiao Xingchen. Anything for you. Everything, for you. I don't care what it is."

"Xue Yang."

Xingchen shakes his head, hands on the other man's shoulders moving up to cup his face too. He keeps his voice to a near whisper, trying to soothe him. Asking him to listen in his quiet way.

"I don't want to take everything from you."

He's a good example of someone who offered up their everything, someone who gave and gave until there's barely anything left of him. The pain of taking his own eyes is something he'll never speak about, but he doesn't want that from anyone else. It's too much. Xingchen opens his mouth to speak again, but he hesitates there. It's not that he suddenly has doubts, he just doesn't...know... He has no experience with this.

"If we're going to...to be together. It must be together." Does that even make sense? He shakes his head, flustered. "I just want you to talk to me. Trust me. And- Show me what it is that you want to do most of all right now. If I could give you something, what would it be?"

"It does, yes." Clark follows and settles next to the other man. "I have food, but thank you."

He smiles at he listens to the man.

"What have you been searching for?"

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why i suddenly switched to brackets in that last tag, idk

XD

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