farsickness | Wedding Crasher

Xue Yang is captivated by Xingchen's protection of him. His Daozhang had promised he would and yet...it still surprises him. He notes the second Xingchen registers who he's pointing his sword at. He feels his face clear of all expression, focused on Xingchen.

Step back, he's told.

He obeys...because Xingchen is his life. It doesn't matter what this one man tells him to do, he'll do it.

He doesn't like the tremble in Xingchen's voice though. He glances a wary look over at Song Lan now though. Eventually he folds his arms across his chest and huffs at the idea...before admitting it was true. But hasn't been for a long time.

"Xingchen has my life, Daozhang Song. He doesn't like it when I get hurt so-" he breaks himself off with a grimace and forces himself to look away. Taunting this righteous man is a foolish idea, however fun it tends to be.

"...I'm not going to hurt anyone here," he repeats himself in a lower tone. Tense. Uneasy.

Is he about to lose everything?

Again?

"I know him."

Xingchen's voice is soft as he confirms it. He can't see the look on his soulmate's face, but he can imagine it. He can hear the confusion in his voice. And he has every right to it. If their roles were reversed, and he found Zichen holding hands with another man, -protecting- a known murderer when they'd made vows to themselves and each other to do only good for the world-

"Xue Yang has become a different man here. He's trying to atone for the wrong that he's done. Bring balance and do good for the world." Xingchen's voice still hasn't steadied, and there's a note of pleading to it as he speaks. "Zichen...I only wanted to honor your wish. I knew that seeing me again would only bring you pain. I thought that coming here was meant to be."

Xue Yang...backing down? His words aren't even particularly malicious, yet Zichen scowls nonetheless. There must be a trick here. Xingchen has a big heart and if this criminal is taking advantage of him, he will send his body and soul to the four winds.

"He has a good heart." and you do not, "Why the sudden change of heart? How does that diminish what you have done in the past?"

If Xue Yang has chosen a new path in life, he wants to be sure of it. Justice shouldn't be decided rashly - no matter how high his emotions are running. Admittedly, Zichen is angry, but the emotion is more directed at himself than anyone else.

His features openly soften at Xingchen's tone. He hates how it shakes. Taking a step closer, he speaks comfortingly to his soulmate.

To the other piece of his heart.

"I was mistaken. I spoke rashly." he frowns, pained, "How can I go the rest of my life without you? I might as well stop breathing."

He'd much rather watch Xingchen, but Xue Yang glances at Zichen again at the comment, then the question.

"He has the best," something they agree on, and there is undeniable affection as he smiles at Xingchen. He can't help it, doesn't even try. "He's the reason I'm trying." It's not easy. So many habits and instincts he's had to work on stomping down to something more acceptable. "And it doesn't diminish what I've done. I'll die for it whenever I return. Lan Wangji confirmed it before he left." So here is all he has, but that's fine.

Xue Yang faces Zichen again, forcing his arms to drop back to his sides even if he's terrified of this man shredding what happiness he's managed to gain here. "What do you want from me, Daozhang?"

But he falls quiet, listening, watching the two and feels his heart start to shrivel again. He understands Zichen. He'd lived the misery that life is without Xiao Xingchen. His jaw grits and he waits, warily wondering if Xingchen would be hurt again because of this.

Xiao Xingchen doesn't have a good heart. How can he claim that he does when it's so weak, torn so neatly in half. His heart isn't worth either of them, and he knows it now that he's standing in front of the both of them.

"The both of you...speak so easily of dying." Xingchen lowers his head, his words barely whispers. "I've never feared death, not even once. But I listen to you now and I tremble at the thought of it. Zichen, do you know what would happen to me if you stopped breathing? I would find a way to give you my lungs. I would carve them out of my own chest for you."

His jaw is clenched, but he manages to get the words out, raw with emotion.

"And Xue Yang, for all that I've spoken about justice, I pray every night that I'll still find you here the next morning. Every morning, I wake up in fear that you'll be gone. I think of you dying for your crimes, and it breaks my heart! It's like a blade against my own throat!"

Xingchen kneels down, right there in the street. Almost as if he's the one awaiting execution.

"I don't want either of you to die. And I don't want either of you to leave. You are each precious to me."

He opens his mouth to speak, wanting to tell Xue Yang exactly where he stands with him and why he can't just believe him. However Xingchen is - understandably - distressed and he shifts his energy to supporting him; to comforting him. If he can.

"Xingchen..."

He had touched that girl in his excitement to be reunited with this man. Why is it so hard to touch him too? Zichen has to try and he is all too aware of how his hand shakes as he, at long last, tries to press his palm against the gentle curve of Xingchen's cheek.

"Xingchen!"

That time he speaks with more force, immediately dropping to his knees to raise the other man back onto his feet. His hands rest on the white robe covering Xingchen's upper arms and he opens and closes his mouth several times.

"...I understand. I just...don't know as much as I would like. But I won't hurt anyone without reason." he sheathes Fuxue and tries to raise Xingchen, "Don't cry. I didn't travel all of this way to hurt you."

He traveled to make things better. Has he failed that task utterly?

"A-Chen!" He raises his voice right along with Zichen, heart pounding worry.

Where Song Lan starts to fall short, Xue Yang immediately is at Xingchen's side, arms reaching out to curl around the love of his life's waist to try and reassure this precious man he's not going anywhere. But then Song Lan is also there, having trouble...? With touch? With just touching Xingchen? There's a flash of anger that he quickly swallows. Xingchen deserves so much affection and it's hard not to lash out at Xingchen's soulmate for not being able to easily give it.

Too easy to remember what Xingchen had done, when he'd felt helpless, hopeless. He presses his cheek against the white robe. He'll help Xingchen up along with Song Lan if Xingchen makes any attempt to stand. "I'm right here, A-Chen. I'm not going anywhere, you're stuck with me now."

Maybe he doesn't need to say it. But he does anyway. "You know I will do anything for you." Anything at all. There's nothing he can do about when he leaves here but...In Gazin? He doesn't move from his snuggled up to Xingchen position, but he tries to meet Zichen's gaze.

"There's space for Daozhang Song in our apartment. Maybe a little crowded, but I can find a second bed." So Xingchen doesn't have to worry about choosing who to live with, if Zichen agrees.

"I'm sorry...I'm sorry..." He has so much to apologize to the both of them for. To Zichen, he's sorry that he fell in love with another man, because he has. He feels Xue Yang's touch and hears the worry in his voice, and his heart longs for him. To Xue Yang, he's sorry that he could never stop loving Zichen, that he planned for a future with him when he's forever intertwined with song lan. he's been selfish and wretched, lying to himself poorly.

"Perhaps we should go someplace else." Xingchen does stand with their help, a hand desperately clinging to each of them. They are in the middle of the street, after all. They shouldn't cause a scene that might interrupt other people's day.

"Zichen, you didn't hurt me. You could never do that." He lifts a hand to touch his soulmate's face and reassure him. "I can still barely believe that you're here. This feels like a dream. But come with us, we'll answer any question that you might have. Until you're satisfied."

He turns his head in Xue Yang's direction, giving his hand a hard squeeze. A silent plea to stay with him.

Mysophobia is a demon he will never fully conquer. Of course he wants to hold Xingchen; of course he wants to be the one latching onto his waist and -

But it isn't as simple as Xue Yang makes it seem. And Song Lan hates himself for failing, his fingers curling into a hard fist. He forces himself to ignore Xue Yang and what his words mean. His pain is nothing compared to Xingchen's and he has no business judging either of their hearts.

Really, if Xingchen has been able to find happiness with another, that's good. He just wishes it hadn't been Xue Yang. Not after all of the horrors he committed. The temple, his eyes... Not to mention the crimes that had them chasing him in the first place.

Zichen helps his soulmate to stand, his hands gentle and warm on Xingchen's shoulders. The hand on his cheek makes him feel like crying, but he stubbornly holds the tears back. He won't be that weak in front of Xue Yang.

"You're too kind." his hand travels along Xingchen's arm and he clasps his hand ever so gently, "I'm here."

Noticing the squeeze, his lips tighten bitterly and he bows his head. The motion is echoed in his heart and it isn't a pleasant sensation. Has he been replaced? If so, he should go; he should leave them to their happiness.

"Xingchen, I - I don't want this to be difficult. If you're safe, that's all that matters." he glared at Xue Yang to make his point, "I don't mean to intrude."

He'd never asked Xingchen to stop loving Song Lan. He never would. Xingchen's heart is big enough to share, which...is something difficult for Xue Yang to even acknowledge. But he feels hope, hears it in how Xingchen isn't pushing him away even with his soulmate here. He rubs his cheek against Xingchen's shoulder, only pulling back when they're on their feet to take his love's hand.

Xingchen deserves everything. His attention. His affection. Anything and everything, and Xue Yang would see he gets it to the best of his ability. The squeeze to his hand expels his breath and he can't help the besotted grin. Even if Xingchen can't see it. He returns the squeeze, entwining their fingers.

Then frowns, turning a glare to Zichen as the flash of anger is back.

"So you would abandon him again? That would only hurt him more." Sharper than meant, striking out against -

...He's a fool. His anger fizzles back out and leaves confusion behind. Staring at Zichen. "He wants you here, Daozhang. He's always wanted you here. And now that you are..."

He breathes, fingers around Xingchen's hand twitching as he wrestles with the storm of emotions he always fights. He shrugs helplessly, gaze moving back to Xingchen. "I have told him from the start of our time here that if he wants me to go, I will. But it won't stop me from protecting him here."

The terrible things that Xue Yang has done can't be forgotten. Xingchen's reminded himself of that time and time again. He's meditated on it, tried to deny it, but in the end he'd still ended up by his side.

So when Zichen's words sound like a goodbye, Xingchen bites back his protest. He wants to cling to him, plead and apologize, because the man deserves all of that and more. But what right does he have? How can he ask him to stay if he really wants to leave? Xingchen lowers his head and focuses on his breathing, trying to keep the tears that roll from underneath his bandages to a minimum.

It's Xue Yang who speaks for him - for them, who existed before he did. It's Xue Yang who says the things that Xiao Xingchen can't. And it makes him wonder...how does he know? Has he been more obvious about his lingering feelings than he realized? How much has he hurt both of these men who right now are thinking only of him?

Xingchen shakes his head, slowly letting go of their hands.

"I don't deserve either of you. I don't - I should find a mountain and just disappear. I don't know how the world works, I don't understand love. A person can't love two, it's unnatural."

"You don't know me." his voice is cold, forbidding, his hurt manifesting like ice on a stream. If he were a different kind of man, he might punch Xue Yang for daring to claim his only aim is to hurt Xingchen. He wants the opposite! He saw how happy the pair were before he approached and now he sees the agony his presence has created.

Xiao Xingchen is even denying himself love.

Something within him cracks and he panics - the ice shifts - and he finds himself embracing Xingchen, his eyes - Xingchen's eyes - closed tightly. The blood running down his soulmate's cheeks is because of him. He has given him so much and Zichen can't take any joy from his life.

So he will protect him. Watch over him. But the words are hard to say since Xue Yang said them first.

"Your heart is the size of a mountain. There is room for two." he speaks that directly into Xingchen's ear, "If you want me to stay, no one can make me leave."

Pulling back ever so slightly, he dabs at the bloody cheeks with his sleeve, wincing. Does it hurt to cry bloody tears? He can't imagine it not and so he takes Xingchen's hand, glancing at Xue Yang for guidance. Where do they go?

Xue Yang casts a grin at Song Zichen, all sharp edges and teeth, a hardness to his eyes. Protective anger, he recognizes. "But I know Xingchen." Which is all that matters to him.

He watches, anger shifting to jealousy again even as the sense of right registers. Finally Zichen manages to hold Xingchen the way he should. Xue Yang doesn't interfere, however tempting it is.

Strange, how two men love the same man, but hate each other. How they both reach to gently wipe away the tears of blood.

He shakes his head at Xingchen's words. "You deserve everything." He'll say it every day if he has to. Happily. "You still haven't told me to leave," he almost sounds playful, or fond. "So I'll follow. You won't disappear alone."

Only to blink at Zichen's clear request, startled by it before nodding, reaching to reclaim Xingchen's other hand to give it a gentle little tug to get them moving back to the edges of the town.

"Stay."

A breathless request, a single word to share between them. But the most important word of all. And Xingchen feels...a strange relief for saying it. It's what he wants. It's all he wants. For the two of them to stay. He says nothing else as Xue Yang leads them back. His head is still spinning. He's still unclear on what happens next. He just holds both their hands and doesn't let go.

Until they reach the small house, and then Xingchen starts making tea. It's something he can do. It might be the only thing he can do. He can make tea for them, and settle his emotions while doing such a mundane but familiar task.

"Xue Yang and I have been here for a few months now. He has an honest job. We lived together for a couple of years before coming here." He loads everything onto a tray before bringing it over. "I knew he was keeping secrets. I allowed his name to be one of them."

"Alright." Zichen is struck by the simple request - he doesn't think Xingchen is being kind (though when is he not kind?) but that he really does want him around. The other man has been his home and his heart and he holds onto his hand, afraid he will disappear completely if he lets go.

He blocks out Xue Yang's grating words and restrains his temper. Getting angry solves nothing and it leaves Xingchen in a terrible position. Unacceptable.

The house is a little surprising - but just about any residence would be in this strange land. He hesitates in the doorway before he enters and tries to sit as far from Xue Yang as politely possible.

Maybe after some meditation, he won't feel so sour towards him.

"You knew he was keeping secrets, but knowing his name would have made a great difference." he clenches his hand into a fist at his side, "I spoke to the girl. She was taking me to you, Xingchen."

He brings Xingchen's hand up so he can feel the smile the simple word brings.

Xue Yang rolls his eyes at how far away Zichen chooses to sit, but the table is only so big, and there is only so much furniture. They'd not needed much, after all. It's a cozy house, attached to his employer's warehouse. Included in his wages, plus enough for food if they stretch it a bit.

But in an attempt to prove he intends no harm, once inside, he'd unbuckled Jiangzai and left it leaning beside the door.

But wherever Xingchen sits, he's going to be right there beside him, knees touching. Not even on purpose, it's just how he tends to sit when with Xingchen. He lets the other tell Zichen about what he's been doing here. And about their shared time living together before.

"Everyone has secrets, Daozhang. He never asked for mine." He shrugs, shoulders itching to move, to do something. He breathes through it. "Maybe I should have told him from the beginning." Another shrug. "Too late."

"A-Qing?" Xingchen latches onto that bit of information, the small tea pot clattering on the tray in his haste to put it down. "Was she well? Have you seen her here?" After all, if he and Xue Yang arrived together, perhaps Zichen and A-Qing did too.

But no...no, she would've stuck to Zichen, or him to her. She would be here right now. Xingchen sighs and continues sliding cups of tea to the both of them. He purses his lips for a moment to consider what if, what could've been if he'd known Xue Yang's identity back then.

"When I found him, he was near death. It would have made no difference." Xingchen would've taken him back, would've treated him. Would've saved him. Knowing Xingchen, that probably isn't much of a surprise. "But what happened after that would surely have been different. I doubt I would've shown him any kindness. I would've chased him away, or we would have fought. Perhaps one of us would've killed the other. Perhaps Xue Yang would've killed more than what he did." He shakes his head after a moment. He's calmer now. Clear-headed. "All things happened the way they were meant to. Otherwise we wouldn't be together, here and now."

If Xue Yang must be that close to Xingchen then Zichen will simply be on his soulmate's other side. He is all too aware of where they touch, if they touch, how they touch, but he isn't afraid to try with Xingchen. Anyone else would be a different story and they might see a new side to a man who rarely emoted.

"Yes, that was her name." he curls his fingers around the tea cup after thanking Xingchen with a small squeeze to his hand, "She seemed well enough to me. She was protective of you and I...liked that."

Zichen would have kept her with him in a place like this, that's true. Have they left her alone? The thought worries him and his brow furrows. The shift in topic doesn't help his unease and he sips on the tea to keep himself peacefully occupied.

"So he has...behaved...all this time? Not once has he killed or maimed?" he keeps his eyes looking forward - not at Xue Yang. That is the only way he can keep his voice calm.

"That really is a miraculous change." and he doesn't believe it.

There's the usual flash of jealousy at the mention of the girl, but he squashes it. He's gotten better at squashing such impulses - for Xiao Xingchen.

Xue Yang goes quiet while Xingchen speaks, sips his tea as he moves his gaze between the two. He listens to Xingchen's thoughts on what might have happened had he given his name way back then. It makes him a little glad he hadn't, but if he had...would Xingchen have lived?

With Xingchen's conclusion though, he smiles again and nudges their shoulders together. Because he can. Zichen is ignored for a moment, until those questions are asked. He scoffs a little.

"Here, in Gazin, yes. I have killed no one. I've barely even threatened anyone." He tilts his head, thinking, before laughing and shakes his head. "I haven't even done that in weeks though." Since Xingchen had moved back in with him. "There are beasts I hunt, it's part of my job."

He can't say the same for back in their world though, and won't even try.

"You can ask anyone in the village."

"You don't believe him. I understand." It's nothing for a murderer to be a liar as well, and Xue Yang has always been a clever trickster. "But believe me. He hasn't shed innocent blood here. And he won't."

Xingchen has faith in him. Maybe one day the man on his other side will prove him wrong. But until that day, he's choosing to believe that he's making changes for the better.

"I still can't believe you're here. I've missed you so much, Zichen."

His voice is as soft and as fond as the smile on his lips. To be at Zichen's side again makes him so incredibly happy. As happy as the moment Xue Yang asked him to marry him.

Ah. Xingchen takes a sip of his tea. No amount of meditation is going to help him with this one.

"Your crimes don't cease to matter because you traveled." Zichen finally looks at the murderer, the trickster and Xingchen is entirely correct. He doesn't trust him and he doesn't know if that can or will change. He isn't as loving of a person as his soulmate.

Setting the teacup down, he touches Xingchen's cheek, holding his breath as if he is doing something that leaves him in awe. But those poor empty sockets. He brushes his thumb against the bandage, feather-light and brings his lips to his soulmate's forehead. A tear slips down his cheek and doesn't try to stop it.

"I missed you more, Xingchen. I won't leave you defenseless ever again."

Xingchen's faith. Xue Yang feels it wash away at his jealousy, take the edge off just enough to allow him to still breath, despite the obvious joy Xingchen feels just at having Song Zichen around again.

But that man hates him- rightfully so, but it might make it difficult for Xingchen. Which means he has to try and get on Zichen's good side.

He meets Zichen's gaze seriously. "I'm not saying they don't. I have done terrible things to both of you, and many others. I can't change that, Daozhang Song. I can only change what I do here."

His gaze drops before moving to Xingchen, though his words are still mostly for Zichen.

"I give myself to Xingchen." He will say it as many times as he needs to. He flicks his eyes back to Zichen and tilts his head, almost a challenge, almost a question. "Shall I disarm myself for you too, Daozhang?"

He feels like he can't breathe. Zichen's touch, the gentle brush of his lips against his forehead. It's like a dream...he's sure he had similar dreams back in Yi City, dreams that he would wake from and discover that the tear sliding down his cheek was his own.

One does now, but it's not alone. Xingchen touches his fingertips to the other man's face, shaking his head as he brushes it away. And then, his own at the sound of Xue Yang's voice behind him.

His breath doesn't return at his words. Xue Yang is offering to give up his blade again, to leave himself defenseless. And Song Lan might ask him to do it, with little care for the danger it leaves him in.

Pretty words, but are they backed by substance? Or are they just air? Zichen can't take the risk without much, much, forethought. Xingchen has a loving, open heart, but his is...less so.

Xue Yang has damaged him on numerous levels, but it isn't his safety (or sanity) that concerns him. Since his soulmate - the love of his life - cannot always see the danger lying ahead, he must do so for him.

And he will.

"One action cannot persuade me. What am I to do with your blade anyway?" he caresses Xingchen's neck as he speaks, taking strength from his presence, "Use it to defend Xingchen. Use it to ensure he suffers no more pain."

Edited 2020-04-17 08:59 (UTC)

He doesn't like that look, Xingchen. Concern has him rest a gentle hand to his love's back, pressing close. Xue Yang rests his chin on Xingchen's shoulder while he waits for Zichen's decision. His lips quirk when it comes, though his gaze is steady when he looks at Zichen.

"You could stab me with it. Others here beat you to it though." Casual.

But then he gently squeezes Xingchen around the waist in silent apology, eyes dropping briefly. "But it hurts Xingchen. I haven't let myself get hurt in a while, much less him. I won't let that change."

"No."

The word is past Xingchen's lips before he can stop it, before he feels Xue Yang's unspoken apology.

"I don't want either of you to be hurt. I don't want you hurting each other. You're at odds with one another now, I understand. But you are both so precious to me."

Xingchen feels around until he finds a hand for each of them, squeezing it

"Please be patient with each other. I will be in your debt forever if you grant me this."

"What -" he flinches at the idea of stabbing another without a strong reason to do so - and, in the case of Xue Yang, he technically has one. However he will never disregard the stance of Xiao Xingchen. If he asks him to stay his hand, he will without question.

"Xingchen." Zichen feels the warm hand and he has no defense, his fingers curling instantly to hold tight, "I will do anything for you. But I will be watching, Xue Yang."

Every step and every breath most likely - until he understands Xingchen's point of view.

He nuzzles Xingchen's shoulder, letting his hand be taken and immediately squeezes back. "I'm not going to hurt Daozhang," he tells Xingchen. "That would only hurt you, and I've promised not to do that." Hurting Xingchen hasn't been acceptable since that horrible day when everything set in and he finally realized how he felt.

Xue Yang peers at Song Lan across Xingchen's lovely face, lips quirked in some amusement. "Then I hope you enjoy a boring show. I just work, sleep, and cook with Xingchen. Occasionally visit Wen Qing and the horses."

Wedding Crasher

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