farsickness | first steps in a new home

first steps in a new home - Wen Qing 001

WHO: Wen Qing and OPEN
WHEN: Catch-all log for arrival and the days of settling in
WHAT: Various prompts around town (including continuations of tdm threads), and a dinner not!date - or choose your own adventure!
WHERE: Gazin and woods
WARNINGS: None so far

Arrival

One moment, Wen Qing is in a cold and damp dungeon cell clinging to her brother and desperately wishing she were anywhere else. Then, one bright light later, she is decidedly not. The crossroads at Gazin and even the sudden transport don’t bother her so much but try as she might, her frantic search in the woods and town just aren’t going to bring a lead to Wen Ning’s whereabouts.

The first thing Wen Qing notices when walking into the town of Gazin is that the people are utterly incomprehensible to her. That makes for some fun wandering around, her in her stained and dirty red robes, looking too pale and thin after months in the dungeons making a spectacle of herself.

Fortunately, she soon runs into a man named Bhalris, who uses a technique she doesn’t know to permit her to understand the locals. It's back to running around town then, calling the name of her brother Wen Ning with ever greater desperation as she hurries through streets and back alleys. "Where are you, Wen Ning? Ah Ning!"

In town

With this, things start going better. Well. Somewhat. Once she finds the inn, Wen Qing can be witnessed arguing with the innkeeper, pleading, “But I’m going to pay you! I just don’t have any coins on me! I arrived with nothing but the clothes on my back. But I'm going to earn money. And I’m not going to be here for long anyway, I need to return home. I just have to figure out where here is and then I’ll be gone.”

She does, in fact, quickly find a job at the apothecary, and cheaper lodgings above the store along with it. She can now be found working at the apothecary and selling its wares at the weekly market as well, as well as searching the woods around Gazin to gather ingredients. These are all just stepping stones, though. Her brother can't be found here, which means whatever brought her here brought only her - thus, she needs to find her way back to Yiling, a place nobody here has ever heard of.

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"Don't we all. But.I think it's more than just being from different times." His gaze follows hers for a moment before he exhales a breath.

"And I can accompany you while you explore if that makes things easier."

"You would?" She gives him a surprised look, then immediately chides herself for letting such surprise show. "It would make things easier." She takes another step before adding, "and I would enjoy your company."

There's an opening between the trees just to their left and she nods towards it. "We could sit there."

"I'd be happy to." And he honestly means that. Being here means there's nobody watching or judging him for his choices. At home he'd been under a microscope and everyone had advice or suggestions on how he should handle his own sect matters.

His gaze shifted to the opening before he changed direction, heading that way.

Not far from the path there is indeed a clearing lined by the gnarled old trees that make up Vasari Forest, a clearing which borders a little creek on its far side. In summer, Wen Qing thinks it will look very picturesque. Now it's simply nice for the change of scenery.

"Isn't it comforting that forests look the same everywhere?" she muses aloud. "We could almost think we are home." The plants aren't all the same, of course, but as long as you don't look too closely...

She pulls her cloak tighter around her and perches on the ground, giving Jiang Cheng a small, somewhat hesitant smile. "I hope you'll like it. I had to improvise with our meal."

If they were home, he likely wouldn't be here like this with her. The thought has him quiet as he moves to sit, placing the basket between them before setting the fish down.

"I'm sure you made something good. Things are so different here, I'm not surprised you couldn't find things from home."

She hums her agreement before pulling an earthenware jug out of the basket with a proud flourish.

"And then there are some things which are nearly as good as at home. I hope you like fruit wines. I found a very nice apple wine on the market that tastes almost like what I remember one of my uncles ma..." She trails off, belatedly realizing that to him, her family is the enemy.

She coughs, putting down the jug and pulling out soup and pots with vegetables and even rice which had been far more expensive than she would spend on a normal day. "The man who sold it to me insisted I would want to make rice pudding," she adds, mostly just to fill the silence.

Her uncles, meaning one of the men he'd likely crossed paths with at Dafan mountain that time when he'd been following Wei Wuxian. "I'm sure it's good then." Jiang Cheng shifts slightly, looking over all the food she's unpacking.

'What is rice pudding?"

Her shoulders slump, the tension seeping out of her as she realizes he isn't going to take offense to his mention of her family. Even if she figures it must be as uncomfortable to him as to her.

She wrinkles her nose a little, declaring scathingly, "I don't know what it is and I'm not sure I want to find out. Some of the food I've had here is delicious, some other..." She trails off, making the face she knows best from her patients when she makes them drink her medicinal brews.

They're not his favorite subject but asking her not to talk about her own family is hardly fair given their situation. And the ones who'd actually deserved what they'd gotten were all dead already anyway.

"There are tolerable dishes, but none as good as the food from home." He picks up one of the bowls to serve himself some rice and vegetables.

"Although I imagine they'd say the same thing if they were presented with what we consider good food."

"I miss rice wine. Or just a baozi, filled with pork maybe or with black sesame paste." She can't help looking wistful as she thinks about the things she used to take for granted. Street food, a proper cup of tea, small things, really. "It's been months since the last time I had a proper meal both filling and tasty..."

She looks down at their makeshift meal. "But you're right. They wouldn't like our food any better. And even the watery stew the innkeeper serves is better than..." Another shake of the head.

"...I'm sure we can find ways to make food close to what we had at home." Some of it anyway, but a lot of the seasonings would be harder to locate, from what he'd seen of the place. The food wasn't bad, but it did have a tendency to be less than appetizing.

"Better than what Wen Chao provided?"

Her lips thin, not quite in displeasure but certainly in discomfort. She studies her food, then meticulously pours the fruit wine into two earthen mugs. She even takes the time to study the decoration of the mugs, they are embossed with dragons with huge wings.

"It would be difficult for this place to provide worse than what Wen Chao provided," she finally says, her voice clipped and curt with the effort not to show any emotion at all. "All the same, I can't complain. He could have done worse for treason."

"..I'm well aware of his capability for cruelty." His voice is quiet, an edge behind the words, his gaze drifting away. "But I am glad you were spared that." Especially given how he'd come to capture her.

"You've been working at the apothecary, though. Are the medicines here very different from the things you prepared at home?"

Fingers curl around her wrist as she remembers the weight of the heavy shackles and then, inevitably, the interrogations. It doesn't feel like she has been spared, least of all with the acute sense of betrayal of her own sect condemning her to this fate. Yet she also remembers Ah Ning haltingly telling her about what he had found at Lotus Pier, giving her answers to questions she hadn't dared ask her Yunmeng Jiang guests - she had been too cowardly to hear the answer from them.

"I never said I'm sorry," she says quietly, ignoring his attempt to change the topic to something safer and more pleasant. "For what you suffered. And your family. At the hands of mine. Or for... for before, when I witnessed your humiliation every day." She'd had a lot of time to think in her cell. "I told Ah Ning we're not like that. But I never said sorry."

The way he tenses is proof enough he's thinking about all of that, about the things that the Wen Sect had done to him, to his family and his sect. All the lives they'd taken in their petty power grabs, and his hands curl into fists as he forces the memories down.

"I didn't... I don't want to talk about that with you." His voice is tight, his fingers digging into his palms. And while he knows she wasn't responsible for it, that she been as trapped as they were but the wound was scabbed over, not healed.

It might never heal.

"...I know you..weren't willingly part of it, but I...don't want to talk about it."

She should have expected this but... Well. She doesn't know why she had expected it to go better. It hurts anyway and being wounded that he dares be hurting is so selfish that it leaves her feeling even more rotten.

Her head is bowed and she gives a tiny nod, then a stronger one. She doesn't dare look at him. If he is looking at her with loathing now, she doesn't want to know.

"You don't have to talk about anything. It was a mistake to bring it up." Her fingers twitch around that ridiculous mug of fruit wine as she struggles, wanting to reach for him and uncurl his tightly clenched fingers, to soothe his pain... but knowing her touch won't be welcome. "Forgive me."

"I hate them." It's very quiet, his fingers twisting in the fabric before he shifts to his feet, his hands at his side, gaze focused away from her. "...I don't blame you, Wen-guninang, I've seen the worst they can do and they...deserved everything they got. I just..." He trails off.

"I saw it. My parents, every single member of my sect, their bodies piled into mounds, the damage they did to my home... I didn't know it was possible to hate that much until that day and even knowing they're all dead, I would drag them back and kill them with my own hands if I could.

Over and over." Because it might actually make him feel like they've paid enough.

She keeps her head lowered as the destruction of a place she has never seen comes alive in her mind - unbidden even now, wishing even now she could unsee it and pretend ignorance.

Wen Qing raises her head, her eyes large and vulnerable as she looks up at the man towering over her. "Jiang-zongzhu, I'm..." No. Sorry isn't good enough. She presses her lips together and swallows hard. "I don't blame you either," she ventures, her voice soft but steady. "I don't blame you for your hate." It hurts, of course, this hate may not be aimed at her but she is still Wen.

And through it all, she still yearns to offer comfort. She slowly lifts her hand, wanting to brush her fingertips over the back of his hand. If he will permit even this much.

He doesn't pull away from her touch, at least, although his expression hasn't softened, his fingers flexing at his side as he tries to lock the images away, to retrieve the facade of normality they'd almost had.

But it doesn't work, his eyes closing as he exhales a slow breath, gaze drifting to her for a long moment.

"...I've lost my appetite. Will you walk back with me?"

She ducks her head again, blinking away a wetness to her eyes.

"I'm sorry," she whispers. She's asked for too much, too fast again. A skilled healer of the body but with people's hearts...

She packs up, her movements precise and efficient despite her inner turmoil, for she takes pride in not letting her emotions interfere with her actions. It's a necessary skill for a doctor as much as for a Wen.

"Yes, I would still like to walk with you," she says, deliberately keeping her voice mild. Once he is in a state of mind to care about such things again, maybe he will remember and know that she doesn't hold a grudge for how things ended today.

Escorting her back to town is the least he can do, and he nods slightly in acknowledgment although he doesn't speak as they walk, his posture straight, eyes forward. He'll disappear into the woods later, but for now, at least he can make sure she returns safely to her residence before he goes hunting.

And anything he finds will regret crossing his path.

When they parted ways, she had promised herself she would respect his need for time and space.

It turns out Wen Qing had greatly overestimated her self-control, for it doesn't even take a full day before she finds herself picking at this wound again. She just can't help herself, it isn't even noon when she makes her way to the smithy, having talked herself into an urgent need to add further specifications for her acupuncture needles order.

If it were anyone else, she would be telling them it's pathetic and yet... But maybe he won't even be there. It's a possibility. If she were truly as pathetic and desperate as she feels, she would be hunting him down in his room at the inn, right?

Stepping into the smithy, she lingers by the door, suddenly a lot more nervous and almost hoping Jiang Cheng really isn't in. "Excuse me?"

The hunt hadn't gone as well as he'd have liked, but his injuries weren't lifethreatening so he'd cleaned and bandaged himself, using some of his power to try and heal at least some of the damage before heading to work the next day.

Although he's definitely favoring his left side as he works, only pausing when he hears a familiar voice and wipes his hands off.

"..Wen-guniang."

She would be appalled to learn how hard he is on his body when there is no true need for it, but right now she is still too busy looking anywhere but at Jiang Cheng to notice him favoring his left.

"Jiang-zongzhu," she greets, her voice crisp with the need for professionalism. "I have come to add further details to my order. For the acupuncture needles." Her fingers flutter slightly at her sides, fingers smoothing her dress though it isn't even creased. Heavens, she feels ridiculous. The excuse is so weak now, so transparent. "But it's not important."

"Just give me the notes and I'll do my best, Wen-guinang." He moves towards her, pausing a few steps back, his gaze dropping to her hands.

"Is there anything else?"

She gets out the notes she had prepared, her gaze also lowered to avoid his. Her hands don't shake, she is far too self-possessed for that, but her fingers are itching with the urge to fidget. She resists it, her hands perfectly steady as she holds out the paper.

"I..." She takes a deep breath, her brows all scrunched up with the sheer effort of steeling herself. She gulps. "I'm sorry." A moment's pause. "For yesterday. For... ruining..." What exactly? What had it even been? "For causing you discomfort."

He takes the paper, tucks it into a pocket before his gaze drifts back to her face. "You should be able to talk about your sect, Wen-guniang. I just can't...speak about certain members and their actions at this point. I know how much time has passed from when my home burned, but it doesn't mean I want to speak about those days.

Not now. Maybe not ever, I don't know."

She gives a tiny nod, lips pressed together, trying her best not to be unreasonable and take it personally. This grief is all his and has nothing to do with her, she knows that and knows she has no claim to it - it just hurts when you want to reach out and offer comfort, but you can't, just because you are you.

"I'll talk about my sect. But... maybe not with you." Her fingers knot together. "Maybe we can speak of other things." Another gulp. She's never been a coward, this is no time to start. She meets his eyes, face steeled with determination. "If you're still willing to try?"

"You can talk about the members who weren't the main family, Wen-guniang. The ones who didn't destroy my life or my family, but yes, we can try." Talking about her family and her brother is fine, it's when they hit the main clan bloodline that he can't deal with it.

Not yet.

"I'm sorry I can't speak about that yet and it's not fair to burden you with the hatred I have for your sect in general when you've done nothing but try to help me and the others when you were able. I don't lay their crimes at your door, though. I just..." Jiang Cheng trails off, shakes his head.

"I need more time."

"You shouldn't have to apologize." Her voice is crisper again, there's that curt no-nonsense attitude which she likes to hide behind when showing vulnerability is too much, yet she tries her best not to be unkind about it. Her fingers twitch again with the desire to touch him. It would be so much easier, she thinks, if she dared to touch and soften her words with gentleness. "You don't owe anyone apologies or explanations for how you react to... to the losses you have suffered."

She takes a small step closer towards him, not wanting to get close enough that he might feel crowded but wanting to somehow show the urgency in her words.

"Please don't believe I hold your behavior against you. It's not easy. But I don't hold it against you... and you've never been cruel about it." Not even right after, when she cared for him. "Outright cruelty is the one thing I wouldn't stand for."

"Still, I was..." He trails off, his hands flexing at his sides, gaze drifting past her for a moment as he tries to find the words he wants to say. This has never been his strong point, not really. A-jie was always better at finding the right words but he's trying.

"That wasn't how I wanted yesterday to end. I just ...I couldn't talk about that and if I'd stayed, I might have done something I would have regretted."

Her brows knit again. Her hands flutter over her dress. "I understand," Wen Qing says, her voice a little quieter and softer, guard a little lowered to match his honesty, "and I appreciate your thoughtfulness." She purses her lips. "I understand you had to leave."

But it hurts. Being a Wen has cost her so much she should be used to it by now but your very presence causing pain to others is not something you can grow numb to, or if you can, then it's a skill she lacks.

She smiles a little sadly. "I would have wished for a different ending, too."

"....Maybe we can try again." After a long moment of silence, Jiang Cheng watching her for a moment before he takes another step forward, a little carefully.

"If you'd be..agreeable to that."

Her eyes widen a fraction when he does not just make this offer but steps closer as well. It there are chasms between them that can't be bridged by willpower alone, it feels all the more meaningful to at least choose to close the distance where they have the choice.

"I would." She lifts her eyes to meet his and permits the cautious hope she has been nursing since their first run-in in the smithy to shine through. "I would like to learn with you how we can speak to another without causing hurt." She straightens her shoulder, finding some of that resolve of hers again to give voice to thoughts she would usually prefer to keep to herself. "There will be learning. There are too many pitfalls to fool ourselves into believing we won't err again. But I want to try."

"I likely won't be as kind as you deserve either." Because there will be times he loses control, lets the rage he carries speak in ways that may or may not be warranted and his expression twists slightly.

"Self control isn't exactly my best feature, Wen-guniang, and my temper tends to get the best of me at times." Especially when it came to certain matters, but he's trying to rein it in here.

Because it serves no good for him to have that little control. His position here isn't as secure as the one he held at home, after all.

It's not exactly a surprising revelation to her but it still drives home the point, to see Jiang Cheng openly give voice to his own flaws. She lowers her gaze, eyebrows furrowed as she ponders her response.

"I won't stand for cruelty," she reiterates, as she had told him before in the forest. "I've seen too much of that, and endured enough of it. I won't when I have the choice to walk away instead." She edges a little closer and this time she does reach for his hand, though it is a mere brush of her fingers against his. "But I'm not afraid of difficulties. I wouldn't be here if I wanted easy... and I'm not easy either." Her face twists into an almost-smile. "My self-control is excellent. But I'm not terribly good at... at being warm."

She runs too cold where he runs too hot and that's off-putting to people, too.

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first steps in a new home - Wen Qing 001

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the next day

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