farsickness | have we ever thought that being lost is our destination?

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have we ever thought that being lost is our destination? | Locked + OTA

WHO: Annie Cresta
WHEN: 28th February, first part of March
WHAT: Arrival
WHERE: Gazin
WARNINGS: Anxiety attack in Arrival section + general anxious thinking in other threads. Will add if anything more shows up.
NOTES: Feel free to add a wildcard situation if you want! Annie will be scoping out Gazin a lot.

ARRIVAL | Locked to Lyanna Stark

She wants to be anywhere else. She wants to be somewhere away from the television, away from her house, away where she can't be found at all. No one. No journalists to ask her awkward questions because oh no, oh no, it's the Quarter Quell and the arena will soon be down to the final eight. And Finnick will live. He'll live past that. And then Annie is going to be in world of trouble because... Because...

Because they made the jabberjays scream in her voice. Because Finnick had been mad with desperation.

Because Snow had made the rules very clear and then he'd given the nod to force whats-his-name, that fucker of a Gamemaker whose name she can't remember right this very fucking second, she's so fucked, they are so fucked, and they hadn't done anything wrong. And now, and now there'll be journalists asking questions and Annie had bolted from the living room as soon as her feet let her. Bolted where? She doesn't know.

She just wants to be somewhere else-

The cold shocks her. Her feet trip as snow suddenly clings to her ankles, and Annie stumbles onto the ground. The cold, wet, snowy ground. Her gasp pulls cold air into her lungs and she starts to cough at the sudden icy conditions. Maybe it's a good thing: it stops her from screaming.

In a daze, Annie reaches out to push herself up from the ground, her other hand still clutching her shawl to her chest. She'd. She'd been running through a doorway, down her hall and, and had something blurred? She can't remember. But she can't have been drugged. Her steps had moved smoothly from one to another. No pause. Just suddenly... This.

Snow. A forest. A wooden crossroads and a cold wind chilling her through the thin cotton of her blouse.

Now I really have gone completely insane, Annie thinks, and she starts to laugh.

LATER | OTA

Gazin is strange. Annie can't make sense of it. She has a room now, on a loan from the tavern. She'll have to pay for board in a week. She has clothes. The faded dress is too big, the stockings patched and mended, the boots will need a repair soon, the cloak smells musty. But they are clothes and if she puts them over her own blouse and skirt, she's warm enough. It's enough. It's enough to be another data point because oh, no, the Capitol would not put her in such things. She knows how the Capitol works, how the arena fashion works, and none of this is what they'd do with her.

She's worn out from her bout of hysterics in the forest, so for a few hours that first night, Annie can be found in the tavern's main room listening in on conversations. Watching the dynamics at play. Trying to work out what, actually, is going on.

(When she goes to bed, she makes sure the door is blocked and she already has an idea of where to run if she has to climb out the window.)

The next few days, Annie can be found walking around Gazin. She's put on that old cloak but only sometimes wears the hood up. It restricts her vision and she is still jumping at shadows. Maybe this isn't all some new and excitingly detailed hallucination, but she's on edge enough that she's risking the cold to broaden her field of vision.

She visits shops, including a jeweller to get a price on the bangle she's least attached to. Not that she trades it in just yet. You only do that if you can't afford to bargain, and Annie has a week. She can look around to see where she'd get the best price. Once she can talk without nervousness, without her awkward laugh. She walks around the market, still watching, and one day, she even ventures out to the river. If she's to pay the loan, she'll need money, and trading bangles will only last her so long. She can fish. She can.

She'll just have to work out what she can fish in this ridiculous weather.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

It's her call. This is what it is coming down to: it's her call what they are going to do. She could go into the woods with Finnick, or she could bring him into the city. Which is... Which is fine, they both make calls all the time. Separately and together. And she's never been someone to put all her life choices in another's hands.

But there's a weight to it here. In this weird, strange arena that isn't an arena. There's a risk to being around strangers. But also, there's a risk to being out in the wilderness.

Annie lets out a breath, lifts up her other hand to wrap it around his, and nods.

"Yes. I do. At least... At least until the weather clears. We can get supplies, information. And we'll be safer together."

Unspoken but understood is that she's already weighed up the risks of the forests, and the city is what she has chosen.

If it was anybody else, Finnick would brush off the request, trust his own judgment and return to the stash of supplies he'd left in a hollow tree nearby and move on to a different camp, like he'd planned to do. But it's Annie. She loves him, and she'd never try to persuade him to do something that she thinks would be more dangerous than what he's already doing. And he trusts her judgment when she's not lost in the confusion her mind can create for her.

More than that, she understands him. She knows when he's making the wrong decisions, even when he doesn't. It's that knowledge that makes him trust her assessment of the dangers of the city against his own.

"All right. I ... stored a few things nearby, just let me get them and I'll come with you."

Annie could be wrong. She could be. She's sure of so little here. But if it's like an arena, then resources are the difference between life and death. And the city has the resources. It has information, equipment, food, proper clothing.

They can always run later, when the weather improves. When they have better clothes and when they know what the fuck is going on.

But, Annie reasons, at least now they are together. And she's not waiting behind for Finnick to move out of her sight again.

So she follows him to the hollow tree and accepts a knife and a trident for him. It makes her feel better. Not that she thinks she could use the weapons on a person, but the trident can be a spiky walking stick to help her through the snow and the knife at her belt makes her feel better.

"Okay. I'll explain Gazin more as we go."

And she does. Not that she knows that much, but she's been the one who has been talking to people (a little) and he's the one been in the woods. It's weird, honestly, but it is what it is.

They aren't attacked at the gates. They aren't attacked on the streets, although they do get curious looks. No recognition, but curiosity. No recognition until Annie steps into the inn and walks quickly over to the innkeeper to quietly ask for a tray and some food for two. Her hands now full of tray rather than the spear (given back to Finnick), she leads him up the stairs and down the hall to the little room she's renting.

Until the door is shut behind them, she's half-certain something terrible will happen to take Finnick away from her all over again.

Finnick doesn't ask many questions as they walk. He's listening, but mostly he's watching, as he has been since he arrived, and as he had been before he arrived, when he'd been on watch for his allies. Besides, he hasn't been into Gazin. So he's even more on the alert once they pass through the city gate. Two strangers carrying weapons get looks from the people, but ... not the looks that victors get. Not the looks that Finnick, specifically, gets.

He has heard about the inn before. Bucky, who'd been so unexpectedly generous, had mentioned that he could return the knife to him here if he ever felt the need to. But he doesn't see the man who'd spoken like he knew the things that only victors know. He sees a lot of people, strangers, and he waits with his back to the wall until Annie returns with the food she'd gotten from the innkeeper.

It's only once they're in the room and Finnick's closed the door behind them that he can finally feel some tension ease out of his body, tension that's been there since before he arrived in this place. He drops his bundle of clothing and blankets on the floor and collapses onto the bed, letting out a long breath.

"Bucky said there was no power here. That true?"

He lets his gaze pointedly flick into the corners of the room, hoping she understands what he's really asking without him having to say it out loud.

Are there bugs?

Bucky. The strangely generous man who had bought her boots and lunch. She'll mention it, soon. They need to compare notes and intel. They are a team again. Annie balances the tray of food down on the chair she normally braces against the door. Instead of the chair, she takes Finnick's bundle and places it by the door instead. Just to slow up anyone coming barging in. Not for long, but every second counts.

It makes her feel better, anyway.

Putting the chair with its food in front of the bed, Annie sits down next to Finnick and rests her head against his upper arm.

He's here. He's alive. For a moment, she just revels in the sheer relief of it.

Then his question sinks and she opens her eyes.

"No power," Annie confirms. "But, it's not like the lines are down somewhere or the generator's stopped working. There's not even any infrastructure for it. No switches, no motors. No radios. No screens."

No bugs.

They are, both of them, used to being watched. Constantly. Not just in the arena, not just in the Capitol, but in what should be the safety of their own district. The Capitol has bugs everywhere, but they've long received more than the amount of attention most citizens get. They're victors. They have a part to play, and while mostly what they do in their own homes or the Victors' Village goes unremarked on, it's still occasionally obvious that they're still being watched.

Snow had started to threaten Annie not long after they'd become lovers.

Annie confirms what Bucky had said, and she gives enough detail that he knows she's understood what he'd meant. They're used to blackouts, but if Annie says there's no infrastructure, that's different (and it matches what Bucky had suggested).

Of course, there was no visible infrastructure in the arena, either, and he'd been watched by cameras the whole time. But if there's no possibility of bugs, then they're safe from cameras in this room, small and sturdily built as it is.

"So we can talk," he says, quietly, and he leans towards her a little, pressing his arm against her. "Good."

There's so much he wants to say to her if it's safe. But he's exhausted, and hungry, and his knife wounds are hurting.

"We can."

It's rare for them to be so private. Unheard of in a building, and Annie isn't sure how much she trusts it. But here, it'd be.... people. Actual people, with ears to walls. Not bugs and nameless, faceless Peacekeepers somewhere else, taking records to use against them.

There's so much to say. Too much. It tangles up her tongue until all she can do is shift around so she can lean up and kiss Finnick's jaw, then his cheek.

"But you also need to eat, okay? We can talk after."

Anything pressing, he would have told her out by the river. And given how cold he's been - and still is - hot food is better than room-temperature.

He lets himself have a moment to lean into her, into the feel of her lips on his face. Even that simple gesture, a kiss on the cheek, would have been forbidden publicly, except that she said she didn't think they were in Panem anymore. If that's true, he doesn't know what the rules are. But he does know he missed her so much it was like a physical pain, and he wants to hold her, kiss her, whisper the things the Peacekeepers stole his ability to say to her, the things he'd tried to fit into that last stupid poem he'd read on stage at his interview.

He thinks, from the look on her face, that she has a lot more to say than she can work out the words for too, but he appreciates what she does say. So he nods, and turns his body, a little awkwardly, so he's still touching her but can reach forward to take a plate of stew and a hunk of bread. He hasn't been eating badly -- his own skill and Bucky's generosity have seen to that -- but this is good, solid, hearty food like he hasn't had since his last dinner in the Training Centre. He doesn't talk while he eats, and he's sure Annie understands why.

There's something intense in the way he eats, a little less refined than he otherwise might be, taking bites a little bigger, waiting a little less long between them, that speaks to the hunger to which neither of them is a stranger, the hunger of having had enough to survive, but not enough to satisfy.

But the whole time he's eating, he keeps his side pressed against hers.

Just having more than enough good food to eat already makes him feel warmer, a little more distant from the snow and the woods.

There's almost nothing that could compel Annie to leave his side, and certainly nothing here right now. So she stays. She stays as he eats, only picking up her own bowl once he's well into eating his own lunch. He needs food and he needs the comfort food brings, and she wants to make sure she doesn't distract him before starting on her own.

Once the meal is finished (complete with Annie handing over her own last piece of bread because someone's been in the woods for two weeks, and it hasn't been here), she puts the tray on the ground. Then, reluctantly, she gets up to secure the door better. Chair shoved under the door handle, she takes off her boots and cloak, and goes back to bed. She's not tired, not even remotely, but she can see that Finnick is. He needs to be safe. He needs to feel safe.

And she doesn't want to be apart from him. Not for anything.

Which is how Annie winds up sitting up in bed with Finnick curled around her, using her lap as a pillow, as he falls into a deep, exhausted sleep.

Edited 2021-03-19 02:38 (UTC)

For the first time in weeks, Finnick sleeps calmly. The combination of warmth, good food, and the security of a jammed door and Annie watching over him soothe him enough that he can sleep deeply, far more deeply than he should curled half-in and half-on a bed. It's better than a forest floor or a jungle with a clock of death.

It's enough that, for a few hours, he's not caught up in the arena, the rebellion, the threats on his and Annie's lives.

It's enough that when he wakes, it's not with the jolt that's so usual for him. Instead, when he opens his eyes, Finnick blinks in confusion and sits up. He doesn't realize until a moment too late that Annie had curled herself around him while he slept; his sudden movement pulls him out from under her, and he looks down to see if he's woken her.

"Sorry."

Annie hadn't really meant to fall asleep. Doze, maybe. But just lightly. So she could wake up if someone tried the door. But Finnick is here. He's here, and he's safe, and he's here, and she doesn't have to be frantic with terror that he is going to die horribly without her ever being able to be there with him. He's here and she's not alone. So without meaning to, Annie had slid down and curled around him, and feel asleep herself.

Then he moves. Annie grumbles, the sound small but full of protest. She reaches out to grab him, trying to open her eyes to see where he is.

"'s okay," she mumbles, trying to sit up herself before giving up. Instead, she just slides further down in the bed, and looks up at him.

"You're still here."

It's warm in her inn room, warm with her curled next to him, and the warmth has seeped into his body so he no longer feels the deep chill that sank through his skin and stayed there the first day he spent in the forest here. When she settles back into the bed, he turns, leaning over her and propping himself up with his good arm, and smiles at her.

"So are you."

He's leaving a lot unsaid with those three words. Things he couldn't tell her, because they were the rebels' secrets and not his own, and they were treasonous. Things he couldn't bring himself to say because they might mean they were going to be parted forever. He'd known his chances; even with the planned rescue and the strength of his allies, there'd been no guarantee he'd ever make it out of the arena. Whatever this place is, whatever tricks these people might be playing, at least he's here, and he's with Annie.

And whatever this place is, and this strange, cramped inn room, it's not the arena. He can let himself think it, now, now that he's slept in relative peace, now that the memory is slowly returning of some of the things she'd said to him out by the river.

"I like you much better to wake up with than Katniss and Peeta."

"Mmm, I'm much more lovable than they are."

Is this possibly a bad idea when they haven't yet talked? Yes. Does Annie care? Well, also yes, but not enough to stop. She's sleepy and warm and Finnick is here.

She loves him and she's missed him and she's had to watch him in mortal danger for days, and then have no news at all for even more days.

So Annie pushes herself up on her elbows and kisses him gently on the mouth.

"You are," is all he manages to say before her lips are pressed softly against his. And here, alone in a room that Annie's checked for bugs, he doesn't stop her like he did by the river. He loves her, he missed her, and he thought he might never get to kiss her again. So he kisses her, and it's like sunlight on seawater, breaking apart at the surface and scattering through his mind and bringing back the joy that's sometimes so absent, that's been missing for weeks.

His injured arm, bandage hidden by the long sleeve of his shirt, comes up so he can cradle the side of her face.

"Thank you," he whispers after he reluctantly pulls away from the kiss. He lowers himself to lie next to her, resting his forehead against her shoulder. "For bringing me somewhere warm."

Annie wants to kiss him for hours. They need to talk, and strategise, and she saw him get injured. She needs to make sure none of the injuries are infected, and they should be cleaned and re-bandaged, and none of that is worth risking for sex or heavy making-out. But still, there's the tiniest sigh of disappointment as he pulls away.

Instead of following him to kiss him again and again, she reaches up to cover his hand on her face with her own hand.

"It's what we do," Annie answers, just as quietly. "You'd do it for me, too."

Her fingers tighten around his hand in a quick squeeze.

"How badly are you hurt?"

She's right. He'd have done the same for her if she was making decisions based on assumptions she'd made or information she didn't have, and he's been the one to tell her when her mind was seeing things that weren't there many times. He'd been certain that the forest was safer than the town, but now that he's eaten and slept in a warm bed, and no longer has a permanent sense of cold, he knows she was right about the risks of exposure compared to the potential risks of the people around them.

He just hadn't been able to see that.

Besides, he knows how to handle the risks of a city, even better than Annie does, because he's been navigating around the dangers from the Capitol's elite for years. He's slept beside people who'd probably kill him if they had the chance; he's slept beside some of the same people who just tried to kill him in the arena.

He can handle the danger with a door they can shove a chair under and a window they can climb out.

He turns his hand into hers so he's holding her hand instead of her face, and shifts so he's lying on his side, pressed close to her.

"The burns from the fog are healing now, that stuff we got was pretty good."

He's well aware that for a while there, before Katniss and Peeta -- he hadn't been paying attention to know which it was, too lost in a haze of pain and grief -- had worked out that water drew out the poison and left just the burns, he'd been very badly hurt. And he still bears the marks in the ugly scabs all over his face, and his arms and legs where the fog had eaten through his jumpsuit. They itch, but they're not a concern any more except cosmetically, and the scabs are starting to come off now.

"Other than that, a couple of knife wounds, but one of them's pretty deep. I met someone just after I got here who bandaged them and put honey on them. I don't think anything's too bad."

Not for the arena.

Not for that arena.

The burns are going to feature in Annie's nightmares for years, for decades. She knows that already. The burns, and the swirling white that were pulled out of them in the water. That Finnick's been healing so well is something she should expect from the Capitol's technology but it's still...

Eerie.

She'd be grateful that he's healing so well, except it'd be the Capitol who had hurt Finnick in the first place. So. Fuck 'em.

"Honey... Okay, that'd work. How long ago was that? And where are you stabbed? I don't remember where all your injuries were, sorry."

Annie feels as if she should. She'd been safe, at home, and forced to watch. She's barely slept. She'd been watching. And she should remember, but thinking about on it, the Games are increasingly a blur.

They've both experienced it before first-hand how well the Capitol's medicine can make the physical wounds of the arena disappear. Before he'd gone back into the arena, Finnick's skin had been flawless, in spite of surviving the Games once before and a lifetime wielding knives and tridents. Between him, Katniss, and Peeta, he's sure they'd had enough sponsors to afford it (a benefit of having the victor of the moment in his alliance).

"Not long after I got here. Must have been a week or so, maybe a bit longer."

It's easy to lose track of time in the arena, and surviving out in the forest had been similar. The days blended into each other without any reference points beyond the pattern of day and night and the occasional contact with -- or watching of -- the strangers who came into the forest from Gazin.

He wants to nestle himself a little closer to her for a moment, but he has to lift his head to look at her when he talks, and he has to shift to lean on his good arm again so he can show her the wound.

"Left forearm, right thigh." He tugs at the sleeve of his shirt, lifting it up until she can see the now-dirty but still neat bandage on his arm. "That's the worst one. Didn't get the full blow in the leg. Enobaria missed the mark."

Edited 2021-03-24 16:44 (UTC)

"Lucky." And it was. That's so often what the arena comes down to: luck. Luck in yourself, luck in any allies, luck that your opponent stepped one way instead of another.

She'll miss Enobaria.

Rather than think of that, and the others she'll miss even more, Annie sits up and rests a hand on Finnick's forearm.

"I'll need to see. Change the bandages by now. How does it feel?"

She means, does it feel infected. If the thigh wound is lighter, the one in his arm must be bad indeed.

"I was parrying a spear from Brutus, moved out of her way."

They could have come out much, much worse from that fight. They'd lost Wiress, because the other Careers had attacked stealthily, from the water. But it could have been worse for them, if Finnick hadn't defended Peeta from Brutus, if Katniss and Johanna hadn't been so quick to kill Gloss and Cashmere.

He's been trying not to think about that, about the fact that he'd have killed them, too, to protect Katniss and Peeta. They'd been the victors the two years before him, and while they hadn't been exactly friends, they'd been Career victors, caught in the same Capitol traps that he was caught in, and having Cashmere around had been a comfort he'd never really admitted on some of the worst nights of his life.

"I think it's okay," he says, softly, understanding her implication. They've both studied the Games at length; they both know how much of a risk infection is. And, if he's honest about it, he hadn't been exactly careful about contamination when he'd cut out the tracker, though getting it cleaned and dressed probably did some good.

"I haven't felt feverish, and it doesn't hurt more than I'd expect."

He leans towards her, resting his head on her shoulder briefly.

"You can."

As Annie said, lucky. It always comes down to those moments. If you chose to step this way instead of that, if someone else decides to toss a weapon one way instead of another, if the wind is right, if the sun is at an angle to blind anyone. If, if, if. You could drive yourself mad contemplating all the random chances that keep one person alive and kill another.

Annie suspects she kinda has driven herself insane over it, even if it's hardly the first thing that set her off.

"Okay," Annie says, just as quiet. "I'll get some alcohol though. Just, um. Just to be sure, yeah?"

He's Finnick. She can't let him go. And she's going to do everything she can to keep him alive.

It's harder than she'd ever want to admit to untangle herself from the bed and him and get up, walk over to the door, and leave. She has to kiss him before she goes. Just. She has to.

Annie is as quick as she can be, and it's probably hardly any time at all before she's back with a cup. She knocks first, and says, "Hey it's me." Just to make sure.

The city might be safer from the elements, but they both know the risks of people.

He feels suddenly bereft when Annie reluctantly leaves, even though he knows why she's left and that she plans to be back. Alcohol is as good a makeshift treatment as they have, and he's happy to take whatever she wants to do to look after his injuries in a good spirit. He could have been looking after himself better, but with just the one encounter with the girl with the bandages and no sponsorship money to buy medicine he'd been limited in how he could look after himself.

To do what little he can to help her, Finnick slips his borrowed shirt off over his head and drops it on the foot of the bed. It's warm enough in the room that he can be comfortable without it, and she'll need proper access to his arm.

"Hey," he says, giving her a crooked smile as he opens the door to let her back in. Then he retreats, grabbing the chair they'd been using as a table and setting it by the bed again in case Annie needs to put something on it.

"Welcome back," he says as he sits down on the bed, his arm held ready for her to take.

If he looks a little nervous about what she's about to do, it would take knowing him as well as Annie does to notice it.

If Finnick looks nervous, well- Okay. This will hurt. Disinfecting wounds is never fun. It will sting. But the expression is strange. He is neither being stoic nor dramatically apprehensive. She glances at him but doesn't ask. Yet.

After all, it will sting.

Carefully, Annie unwinds the bandage and inspects the injury. Even with Finnick's assurance that it doesn't feel infected, she's relieved to see that it looks like it is healing well. Still, it needs to be cleaned again.

And it is... deep. Strange. And that position.

Annie opens her mouth to ask if the Capitol tracker was damaged, if she needs to dig the shards of it out, and then stops. Changes direction.

"This will sting," she says, and swallows the rest as she starts to pour the alcohol over her lover's arm.

"I know."

He nods, a signal to Annie that he's ready for her to do what she has to. He's not sure how much she'd seen on the coverage, whether she'd slept at all over the nights when he'd slept, while his allies were on guard. He hadn't slept well, but he'd slept some, and he suspects that Annie might not have. He probably couldn't have if it were her in the arena.

He never even sleeps well when he's mentoring, although he knows that he'll be woken if he's needed. But if it were Annie in the arena, Annie as he knows her now, his lover and not his tribute, he'd probably be unable to sleep. She might have seen more of his time in the arena than he had. She'd said she couldn't remember all the injuries he'd had, but ... whatever she remembers, she's observant enough to know the knife wound she's looking at isn't the sort of thing that would happen in the arena.

It's deliberate. Not a slash or a gash from a knife that was aimed somewhere else, or thrown, and obviously so.

It's not that he wants to hide what happened from her, but he isn't sure he should admit what he'd done out loud, when he still doesn't know what this place is.

He's dragged suddenly from his unease by the feel of the alcohol on the still-healing wound. He winces, gritting his teeth and letting out a hiss as he takes a sharp breath in. But he tries his best to hold his arm still, instead of snatching it away in the immediate reaction to the pain.

After a moment, he can steady his breath and untense his body.

"Okay," he tells her. "Okay."

The logical, simplest explanation for Finnick's injury is that he dug the tracker out himself. There are various forms of complexities and possibilities beyond that, of course. Someone else did it. Someone else not the Gamemakers, because they'd never make such an unhealed mess of it.

But. Why. He ran into the woods, he's still got that feral, tribute-air to him. And messing with the tracker is such a big no.

Once she's finished with the alcohol, once she's sure he's okay, that he's actually okay and isn't just saying it, once she's finished giving him a breather before she wraps the bandage on, Annie gives him a sharp look.

And holds it.

Just long enough that he knows she knows and she's not asking (yet), but she knows he's done something.

"The person who patched you up. Do you trust them enough for them to do it again?"

have we ever thought that being lost is our destination? | Locked + OTA

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