farsickness

Entry tags:

xue yang | the untamed

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WHO: Xue Yang + Open
WHEN: After night hunt thread and rest of Feb
WHAT: Moping because his ~~boyfriend~~ roommate moved out, leaving gifts for said ~~boyfriend~~ former roommate, not intentionally causing trouble, checking up on Wen Qing and general moodiness! Sparring welcome!
WHERE: Gazin, possibly out in Vasari Forest, others by request!
WARNINGS: Usual cast drama! Monster slaying! Maybe even stabbage from castmates?

Wandering in Gazin, any time!
He'd been right in the dream not lasting long. Not even a week, really. But the memories he'd managed to cram into that week...!

And maybe it's not completely destroyed. Just tarnished. Xue Yang is still alive, after all. Healing, of course. Because of course he'd been stabbed a few times. Nothing new there, he's a fast healer. All his limbs are still attached, and he'd shocked the other cultivators more than a little.

Now he has to figure out how to continue. His 'job' takes up much of the daylight hours, though it's still horribly simple and dull. It's when he returns to the apartment that he feels lost. So he spends as little time there as he can manage. He goes out into the town, wandering.

Buying food that a blind man can cook up, and he drops it off where he knows Xiao Xingchen has moved to. He leaves it where it will be found, around the time he knows the man will return, but not cause him to trip.

Week later- closed to Wen Qing
Finally the clothes the merchant had promised are ready, and he bundles the better-made dress up before setting off to make his deliveries (another outfit is for Xingchen, left beside the usual food which he delivers first). He bothers to knock on her door this time and waits, finding...he actually kind of wants the company, though he'll deny it.

When she opens the door, he holds out the package with something close to his usual grin, though there's still something oddly fragile and broken about how he looks these days. "These should suit you better, Sect Sister."

Outskirts of Vasari Forest: Sparring/monster fighting! Open!
No one can say he's been attacking the villagers. Not a single incident to report.

Xue Yang has taken to, in addition to his usual deliveries and job, exploring the edges of the forest and finding decent places to work off energy and the pain that would normally be used to torture people. Not here. He can't afford that here. So he works his sword into a frenzy of moves, focus on getting stronger, faster, better. He knows Xiao Xingchen is still going on nighthunts (because he follows at a distance every single time he finds the trace of him outside town), and in order to make sure he can protect the blind man...He has to keep improving.

The monsters here don't seem to respond as the monsters back home to his usual means, so the 'proper path' of cultivation seems the way to go. So he does his best, diving into the lessons he remembers from over a decade ago and what he's observed since then.

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Xingchen's surprised when when he turns it back to him. Xue Yang's on his knees...he doesn't need to see it to know, he can tell it from the sound of his movements, the way his hands grip the fabric of his robes. He shakes his head hard at first, more to deny himself than anything. He can't answer that question. He can't give Xue Yang a way back in.

He wonders what happens if he doesn't. Probably die. Those words echo through his head. Xingchen doesn't want that. Even if he knew the absolute worst that Xue Yang has done, something that Xingchen hasn't yet lived through, he would seek his own death before Xue Yang's.

He's suddenly glad that his arm is injured, not because he can't lift his sword, but so he can't lift his hand to touch him. He doesn't want to offer a comfort when he's not sure if he wants to give it or not. A comfort that the other hasn't earned.

"When we return, I want you to confess to all that you've done, and offer yourself up for justice." And he knows what that justice will be, but it's deserved. But they also don't know if they even will return, and that leaves Xingchen with the larger dilemma and what to do here. "You will not harm anyone here...you will give me your sword."

Xingchen shocks even himself with the last one. But it's a test that he will fail, because he doesn't believe that Xue Yang will really do it. He will break his own word, and Xingchen's heart will be safe again.

There's a slight tremor to his hands as he waits and watches Xingchen, chest too tight to speak, too much effort just holding still rather than curl up in the blind man's lap in a pitiful lump the way he wants to so desperately.

Won't help. Won't work.

Broken.

Then Xiao Xingchen starts to speak again and he listens to the beautiful voice that still haunts his dreams. Justice. The word curls his lips and his shoulders shake in a almost soundless laugh that's bordering amused. Not surprised.

...A demand for him to disarm himself. And to continue not harming people here. He straightens, though doesn't move from his kneeling position, and sets to pulling Jiangzai off his back.

"I came here from my confession, Daozhang," he almost sounds cheerful, in a hopeful kind of way. "You can ask Lan Wangji, he was there." Jiangzai is set gently on Xingchen's lap, still sheathed. "He's probably the one who kills me." But he doesn't sound like it bothers him.

But he still has two more dangerous things on him, things Xingchen probably doesn't know about. So he pulls his dagger out and sets it next to Jiangzai.

Then pulls his half of the reconstructed Stygian Tiger Amulet, safe in a pouch that masks it's dark energy, and sets it beside Jiangzai and the dagger.

"Jiangzai, dagger, and my half of the Stygian Tiger Amulet. All for you. I don't have anything else."

Lan Wangji. Yes, if it's Hanguang-Jun then Xue Yang will most likely die. Xingchen should be at peace with that. And yet it feels like he should be dead too, a strange foretelling that he can't quite shake.

He can't believe the sudden weight across his lap. Xingchen's fingers tremble as they move down its sheathe, confirming that it is, in fact, Xue Yang's sword. The other man continues to reveal more secrets than he ever imagined he could have.

He picks up the pouch, sensing the energy it holds within even if he can't actually feel it.

"Why..." He stops himself. If he asks, Xue Yang will surely tell him, and he doesn't have the strength for more confessions today. "This has surely done you harm, Xue Yang."

Maybe he's looking for something to blame. But then, he knows Xue Yang wasn't born a monster either.

Especially since Lan Wangji'd specifically said he was from after that confrontation. Xue Yang is under no illusions of himself surviving it. But it also doesn't bother him, because ten years without Xingchen...that hurt the most. He'd tried so hard only to fail in the end.

He watches how Xingchen's fingers tremble as they check that he's not lying again. It only makes sense. His head tilts at the aborted question, feeling oddly calm now that he's so far done each of what has been asked of him. And a bit more.

But that's the effect Xiao Xingchen has on him.

His gaze lowers to the bag at the comment, then he hums as he mulls that over. "It's...power. Daozhang." Quiet. "And people who get power go crazy. I know what I am." A monster. Blood-thirsty and rabid.

"...I'll throw it away, if you want me to. I'll find a place to bury it."

"No."

Xingchen closes his hand around it. But he doesn't want power. He knows what power can do. And that's why he doesn't want this just floating out there for anyone to find, no matter how well Xue Yang disposes of it.

"I'll take care of it" And hopefully that doesn't invite trouble. Xingchen gathers everything and places it aside, and then realizes that Xue Yang has done everything asked of him.

But for what?

"What do you want, Xue Yang?" He hesitates before adding: "From me."

Xue Yang settles back on his heels while Xingchen makes his decision then gathers the offered weapons up, putting them away. His attention isn't even on Jiangzai. Isn't even on the little, unassuming bag with the amulet tucked safely away.

Xingchen is brighter than all of it. Better by far than any weapon, any sweet. He could look at the other man for years and not grow tired of that pale, perfect face.

"What do I-" he cuts himself off, staring at the other man with some awe. After all of it...Xingchen wants to know what he wants.

"...I want...to see you smile again...I want you to be happy."

"I was happy."

So soft that it's nearly whispered. Now Xingchen could bury his face in his hands and sob, because Xue Yang sounds so sincere about it. It still feels like such an impossible thing at that moment. But at least...at least maybe he can keep Xue Yang from hurting people. From hurting himself.

"Eat something. It'll be time to rest soon."

Before, Xue Yang had delighted in this man's tears. In his pain.

Not now.

Now, it makes him shudder and curl in on himself, forehead ending up pressed to Xingchen's knees. He doesn't like this feeling. Doesn't want this feeling.

...But that simple statement, telling him to eat, gives him hope. He can no more ignore it than he can ignore Xiao Xingchen himself. So he pushes himself to his feet and goes to the door to grab the food he'd brought earlier. Then sets to cooking for them. A simple meal, but he's not up for anything fancy.

"...Daozhang...Will you let me try...to make you happy again?"

After a moment, Xingchen stands and joins him, doing what he can. It's so much like any other night that they spent together, except now there's a tension in the air.

Xue Yang is not his servant. He's not even his prisoner. He won't treat him as such.

He breathes out at that question. His arm is injured, but it's the rest of him that feels weak, weak enough to need to grab the countertop with both hands. He doesn't answer for a long moment, doesn't acknowledge that he heard the question at all. And then, finally:

"If you want to try, then try."

Softly. He won't discourage it.

Xue Yang sets the rice in front of Xingchen to wash while he cuts up the vegetables, not wanting to risk the other man accidentally cutting himself while already wounded.

Hesitant, shy glances. He hardly dares to breathe while Xingchen clings to the counter, let alone speak until he has his answer. Then the breath explodes out at the soft words. He's smiling brightly, because he can't help it. Because that gives him even more hope.

"Do you want to stay here, or go back to the room I got for us?" Since technically he's still supposed to be guarding that shop.

...But if Xingchen doesn't want him doing that, he'll find something else.

His mouth twists like he's tasting something sour. He doesn't want to go back there. Xingchen knows that the memories will follow him around there. Xue Yang was so proud of that room. They were happy there.

But it was happiness based on a lie. Xingchen can't forget that, and so he doubts that it can hold the same magic again.

But Xue Yang did have an honest job, and maybe...maybe that was another thing that was helping him here. Xingchen needs to help him stay on this path, because no one else will. Maybe no one else could even make him want to try.

"We'll go back." At length. He finishes with the rice, but then he thinks of yet another dilemma, his days and nights filled with them lately. Xingchen struggles with it, shaking his head at himself before finally sighing.

He walks away from him, returning with Xue Yang's dagger in hand. Offering.

"You must only defend the shop." And himself. Hopefully he understands that part too.

...He's missing something. Probably something obvious. But the look on Xingchen's face tells him the other man might not actually want to go back. It has Xue Yang frown and try to puzzle it out, and how to fix it.

In the meantime he gets the vegetables cooking. But. Then. Then. Xiao Xingchen walks off for a moment, only to return with his dagger and holds it out. Xue Yang is slow in taking it though, lips parted as he stares wide-eyed at the other man.

"...We could find another place. Somewhere new for both of us." Slowly, carefully, trying to find his way where his usual senses can't make anything out.

"I'll do my job," he agrees.

Xingchen bows his head at that, trying to hide his expression once he realizes that it must give him away. It's only thoughtful now. Maybe it would be best to find a new place, a place where he's out of what feels like Xue Yang's environment.

But Xiao Xingchen is a practical man. What's the point in finding a new place when one already exists. Xue Yang keeps trying to please him, and he should not trust in that. But he can also hear how confused he is, how carefully he's navigating everything with him.

"No. It met our needs. We'll return there in the morning."

Xingchen smiles before he can stop himself. He tells himself it's just a reflex.

Xue Yang has watched Xiao Xingchen's face far too long to be easily fooled. He doesn't always understand what he sees there, frequently doesn't, but he figures he understands enough that the rest is superficial.

Maybe he's wrong.

Maybe he understands nothing that truly matters, and this is his punishment. And yet, after a while, Xingchen agrees to go back to that set of rooms where they'd been briefly happy. Justifies it. Not good enough.

But then the smile returns and he finds he can't breathe but it doesn't matter because he's missed it and it's back!

"Tomorrow," he agrees, not able to mask his joy.

But something else occurs to him, and after a moment of checking on dinner, he shifts the topic a little.

"Daozhang...Thank you for protecting Wen Qing."

"No thanks is necessary."

Xingchen would have done it no matter what. But it does make him curious. It does make him ask before he can stop himself, knowing that every word that passes between them now opens him up a little more.

"I didn't know that you and Lady Wen were close."

All the more reason to keep Xingchen talking! Xue Yang doesn't mind the questions so long as they're from Xiao Xingchen.

"She's an ally," he clarifies. But there's a slight hesitance in his voice. She confuses him too, with how she's started acting around him.

"...She pointed out that since I want to stay here, I will need to make friends."

Xue Yang.

Making friends.

A longer pause. "She thinks I'm making progress."

Xiao Xingchen pauses what he's doing at that. And really, maybe he's still less surprised than most people would be. Xue Yang has done terrible things in the past, but there's nothing to prevent him from doing better in the future. He's not damned to stay as he was, if he chooses to change. If he has a reason to.

Xingchen is slowly starting to realize what that reason is.

"She's right. It's important to live in harmony here. You must be honest in your dealings with others." So friends, yes. "Lady Wen is a very intelligent person. I hope you'll continue to listen to her advice."

He feels around for the bowls to start to fill one.

Xiao Xingchen is Xue Yang's reason to do anything. To try and be better. To try and change.

Just to try and make one man happy.

Xue Yang hums in quiet agreement, waiting for the bowls to have portions of rice before adding the cooked vegetables. And maybe he's standing a little closer to Xingchen than he needs to, but can he really be blamed, when he's told the blind man what he has?

"She's looking for her brother. Or a way back to him. I'm trying to find a way." Even if he kind of doesn't want her to go, now. He'd promised.

"There are some interesting people here, don't you think, Daozhang?"

"There's interesting people everywhere." But Xingchen nods in agreement. There are interesting people here. "And I'm sure she's grateful for your help. She'll be reunited with him one way or another, if it's meant to be."

He picks up a bowl, facing Xue Yang but still holding it close.

"Hold out your hand."

When Xue Yang does, he places the wrapped sweet there, and then offers him his dinner.

"You know which would be best to eat first, right?"

Even Xingchen agreeing with him for the smallest things has a strange flash of delight thrum through him. Xue Yang watches him with a smile almost entirely happy. "A way will be found, if it's there." Not a threat, just a promise.

The order has him immediately obey, hand out without question, though curious. Then he's left frozen and silent as a sweet is set in the palm, staring with wide eyes down at it. He accepts the bowl of his dinner a beat late.

There's a hushed quality to his voice as he turns his awed gaze to Xingchen. "...I know...Thank you, Daozhang."

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