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xue yang | the untamed

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WHO: xiao xingchen + open
WHEN: march
WHAT: a blind cultivator out and about
WHERE: around gazin
WARNINGS: none, will update if necessary

Gazin.

Xiao Xingchen's time since arriving in Gazin has been...turbulent. The change in location hasn't bothered him as much as it might some. He does still worry for A-Qing every day, but reminds himself that she's a clever girl. He can only hope that she doesn't find too much trouble.

The other member of their strange little family had arrived here with him, a great help and a comfort....until Xiao Xingchen finally found out who he really is, a question that he'd never asked. And that's when his heart had truly been unsettled for the first time in his life. His arm is still bandaged from the injury he received during a recent night hunt, bad enough to keep him from going on one since, though it's mostly healed now. It redirected him back to the other task that he needs to accomplish: finding a job.

It's not easy. For the most part people are nicer here, but they still doubt a blind man's abilities. Others are too wary of any man with two swords across his back now to take a chance.

He's discouraged, but he buys a small bit of bread in the marketplace, a piece of fruit. It's cheaper than the tavern nearby, and Xingchen just needs something to fill his stomach to fuel him forward. He finds an out-of-the-way place in the market to eat, listening to the sounds of life around him.

Returning home. (closer to dusk)

There were many days when he did not expect to ever return here, this place that his companion - that Xue Yang found for them. The man had been persistent after he left, making sure that Xingchen was taken care of even when all of his gifts were rejected.

His heart hasn't completely righted itself, but he knows one thing for sure: Xue Yang has killed no one here. He hasn't even attacked, and barely even has the means to do so after surrendering everything over to Xiao Xingchen. He'd like to think that he's been made less naive, but maybe he's not, because he keeps thinking that maybe he can keep the other man on the correct path, one of harmony with this new life. Xingchen's made it clear that he must submit himself to justice if and when they return, because those that he's murdered deserve nothing less. But for now..maybe he can be a sheath for that dangerous blade.

Xingchen steps up onto the small porch, pausing when he hears the first approach of footsteps.

"Is that you?"

He tilts his head a little more, waiting to hear if they're familiar or not.

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Xue Yang plans to mend his shirt himself, simply because he can see the tears. But he'll never tell Xingchen what he can't do.

He frowns, seeing blood on the other's hand, but doesn't comment past the tight throat as memories threaten to choke him. Breathes through it, accepting the pain as his due, ignoring it as Xingchen works on cleaning the gashes. Just as he had when he'd first found him almost dead, beginning the change of how Xue Yang thought of him.

His expression now is the same as back then. Awed, infatuated. He even doesn't flinch with how close Xingchen's hand comes to his mangled left hand, unlike the last time.

"I don't care if I do," he answers carelessly. Unaware that Xiao Xingchen blames himself for them. Instead, he tilts his head, wondering about the feeling there's something Xingchen wants to ask. "What is it? You can ask me anything."

He doesn't shake his head, knowing the room would spin. "Sitting is fine, I want to keep you company...if...you don't mind...?" Reminding himself to make the effort to ask, if only this man, is a definite effort. But worth it.

More and more, Xingchen is getting an idea of just how readable he is. Or maybe it's just Xue Yang's talent. Maybe he can read him, especially after the years of living with him while his defenses were down.

He places his hands in his lap. What does he want to ask? What answers does he want to hear? The truth, of course. And more and more he's believing that Xue Yang will give him that, disarming himself in every way he can.

"As long as it doesn't weaken you." He doesn't mind the company. Xingchen would remind himself that he shouldn't even need it, or crave it, he's Baoshan Sanren's disciple. But he's gotten used to it in just a couple of years. He enjoys it, wants it. His fingers curl into the roughspun fabric of his clothing.

"Why couldn't you have always been this man?"

He presses his lips together as soon as he says the words. It's an unfair question. It's a selfish question. Because what Xingchen can't stop thinking about is how much easier it would be to allow himself what he wants, what his heart wants. If only Xue Yang had always been this person sitting within reach of him now.

"I'll be careful!" He chirps his promise. Anything, if it means he doesn't get sent to bed because Xingchen doesn't want him to do more harm to himself. Xue Yang doesn't seem to notice the lack of a shirt, this home of theirs is kept at a warmer temperature than they ever managed at Yi City. And it's not like Xingchen can see, anyway. Touch...Xue Yang would hardly discourage him!

But the question, that question, clearly not what the blind man had intended to ask...has his jaw close almost with a click.

On one hand...the man he's trying so hard to be here is apparently just the sort of man Xiao Xingchen wants. On the other...it's not his true self. Not the self he's been forced into being, the self he's been beaten into. He never felt it quite so keenly before now, and he has to dig fingers into the cloth at his knees to keep from trembling.

He wants to pace. Wants to lash out.

But he doesn't. He swallows the pain down as best he can. But when he tries to answer, his voice is rough. "I had no one like you, Daozhang...No one cared about a thing like me. I was always...angry. I needed...

"A reason." And now he has that reason.

[xiao xingchen has always viewed the world in such a simple way. there are actions that are correct, that contribute to the greater, good. and there are actions that are harmful, that disrupt everything and must be answered for. right and wrong, in essence. he doesn't cling to any of the things that he's been called, but he knows that he's been called a gentle man, a virtuous man. if asked if he was born one, he would say no. it was from his master's teachings that he learned everything.

what if a child doesn't have a master, or has the wrong sort. how long would it take to undo incorrect lessons, if they could be undone at all?

these are not questions he'd ever considered before. but having xue yang in his life, he's being faced with more and more of them.]

You are not a 'thing'. [he can say that much with certainty, even if his voice is soft. after another long moment, xiao xingchen reaches up to take his hand.] You have a reason. But you also must remember that you're someone else's reason. That...however much you're tempted, however easy it would be....

[there's suddenly a lump in xingchen's throat, hard to speak around and hard to swallow around. he spits out the words when he can, more directly than ever before.]

If I lose you, I will be angry and hurt and lost, the same way you were Xue Yang.

[he will damn his reason to his own painful beginning.]

'Not a thing' echoes in his mind. And then Xiao Xingchen...takes his hand. All other thought silences as Xue Yang stares at the angel before him. Hardly daring, or able, to breathe, let alone speak.

Senses filled only with Xingchen. His words. His touch. How he looks, speaking so quietly but painfully. Even his sweet smell.

Someone...else's reason...?

Horror sinks in at the last statement. He grips Xingchen's hand tightly and falls to his knees, bandaged arm flinging out to wrap around the other man's waist as he presses his face to Xingchen's stomach. Holding on for dear life as he trembles.

There is no thought to it. Just a desperate sudden need to hold on.

"You won't lose me!" He whispers fiercely, desperation lacing hot and painful even in voice and words.

Xingchen should know by now that Xue Yang does nothing by half. It was true when he was a murderer, and it's just as true now as he tries to be something else. He's shocked by his sudden movement and the extremeness of his promise, until it finally clicks that this is the way he feels everything - extremes, with little moderation.

"Your arm." He touches his shoulder lightly, but he doubts that his reminder will do any good. This is more important to him. He is more important to him. It's something Xingchen must believe and accept, which maybe makes him less of a fool for his own feelings. Maybe.

"Okay. It's okay." Xingchen strokes his hair, trying to soothe him over his own pounding heart. "You won't lose me either."

It's such a huge thing to say. But there is a balance here that Xingchen has finally made peace with. He'll accept him. And if things should go their worst, he'll also accept responsibiity for him.

It's the only way.

"Sit up. Not like this. It's better if I put my arms around you."

Never by half. All in or all out, that's how Xue Yang has always lived. How he survives. He gives everything he decides to do his all. Even if it ends with him wounded. It's never mattered before.

Now...it does.

The light touch, the gentle reminder aren't enough, for once, to make him pull away. Xue Yang only clings a little tighter. But then Xiao Xingchen promises him that he won't lose him either.

He feels...undone. Completely, utterly at a loss how to continue. How to find his footing again, when up and down hardly feel right. Doesn't matter. Not as long as Xingchen is safe.

Orders, to sit up. And a reason why, as well as a reason to do so. It still takes effort. Chest, heaving. Trembling making movement a challenge. But eventually he manages it, lips stubbornly pressed closed, head lowered but eyes fixed back on Xingchen.

Waiting. Hoping that he hasn't let go only to have his world shattered again. One. Last. Time.

Xingchen feels his reluctance, helps ease him back up into a sitting position. Everything is about to change, he can sense it, like smelling the first signs of spring in the air. He's always welcomed it before. It's inevitable, and to feel any other way puts one out of balance with the natural way of things.

Maybe he should think more that way now. Maybe then things wouldn't feel so overwhelming.

He leans forward, feeling along Xue Yang's arms and making sure to be careful of his freshly bandaged wounds. And then he wraps his arms around him. He draws himself closer, until he can feel the other man's breath against his neck.

"All these things I've asked you to do, they must be painful and confusing to you."

The words are whispered. For Xue Yang, violence is natural. Selfishness is natural. He's fighting all these battles inside of him just to stay by Xiao Xingchen's side.

"If it hurts, you can talk to me. You don't have to be cheerful when you're not, you can tell me what I can do to help you. I will."

Edited 2020-03-08 13:34 (UTC)

No one except this man has ever helped him up. Everyone else either simply didn't care, saw him as just a tool and fixed him up only enough that he was useful to them before being cast aside again. But not this precious, perfect angel.

That he'd destroyed, and realized how he felt far too late to stop...anything. Here in Gazin, he has Xiao Xingchen back. And here, there are nights where he lies awake, just staring at the other man. Watching his chest rise and fall, proving he's alive.

Sitting up where Xingchen wants him, Xue Yang is barely able to breathe as he waits, holding still. Watches. Pricks of pain as Xingchen runs light hands over his wounded arm are ignored. Then completely forgotten as the other man's arms gently curl around him. Pull him close until it feels far too natural to rest his forehead against Xingchen's shoulder. Breath still too fast.

"I'm used to pain," he answers automatically. "I can handle it." If he keeps telling himself that, it becomes true right?

He shudders a little, digging fingernails into palms before he pulls back slightly. He slowly reaches up, fingers uncurling on one hand to very lightly brush over Xingchen's cheek. "I just...want you to be happy again...See you smile. Hear you laugh.

"Nothing else matters."

More and more, he understands him - he doesn't excuse him. But Xingchen makes an effort to listen to him, to understand. He's learning a little bit more about the world, and it's a shame that it's about how cruel it can really be.

No wonder. No wonder Xue Yang clings to sweetness and to him, the only two pleasures that he has in this world. Xiao Xingchen shouldn't need any. His life is supposed to be simple and removed from such things.

But then Xue Yang touches his cheek.

"I...want the same from you." To hear his laughter and his teasing. To feel his smile. Those things have been so rare lately, or faked. It scares him...can Xue Yang live this life and be that way again? Is it selfish of him to hope for it?

Xiao Xingchen leans in, impulsively pressing a kiss against Xue Yang's mouth. A test. A pleasure.

Xue Yang wants to protect him from the harsh world, but knows he can't. Not really. Not entirely, if just because he's in it and he's...still a monster. But a monster that's trying to be better now. He can't change what he's done, but he can dedicate himself to not doing those things again. And so far, in Gazin, he's been doing a good job. Not even Hanguang-Jun can say he's broken their truce.

He startles a little at the words. Wonder and awe settling in as he stares intently at Xingchen. Dares to press his hand a little more, cupping a pale cheek. Xingchen didn't flinch from his touch.

Then Xiao Xingchen leans in. A kiss. Knowing full well who it is he's kissing, this time. It makes his heart leap and chest grow tight. Shock is the only reason he doesn't immediately press into it, but as soon as it starts to fade, he kisses back. Fingers trembling a little where pressed to Xingchen's cheek.

He doesn't let himself ask for more, not yet. Not matter how much he wants to curl around this man and kiss him all over.

His breath huffs out when he pulls back a little, a bit of a shaky little laugh.

"I told you, Xiao Xingchen. Anything for you. Everything, for you. I don't care what it is."

"Xue Yang."

Xingchen shakes his head, hands on the other man's shoulders moving up to cup his face too. He keeps his voice to a near whisper, trying to soothe him. Asking him to listen in his quiet way.

"I don't want to take everything from you."

He's a good example of someone who offered up their everything, someone who gave and gave until there's barely anything left of him. The pain of taking his own eyes is something he'll never speak about, but he doesn't want that from anyone else. It's too much. Xingchen opens his mouth to speak again, but he hesitates there. It's not that he suddenly has doubts, he just doesn't...know... He has no experience with this.

"If we're going to...to be together. It must be together." Does that even make sense? He shakes his head, flustered. "I just want you to talk to me. Trust me. And- Show me what it is that you want to do most of all right now. If I could give you something, what would it be?"

He goes completely still when Xingchen cups his face, hearing the quiet request. Listens, eyes searching the other man's face as Xingchen speaks. No hint of deception- and what does this precious man even know of it? Really know? Outside of what Xue Yang himself has taught him by example.

He sits on his impatience, wonder and hope warily beginning to grow again the more Xingchen speaks. Be together.

"You would...be...mine?" He asks in a very small voice. The voice of someone who has had very little to call his own. A dream. Xue Yang knows what he wants that to mean. But...does Xiao Xingchen?

He brings his hand down from the other man's cheek, touch remaining light. Down...then curls his arm around Xingchen's waist. Possessive, but light enough to be easily broken.

"And...you would be mine." At least he's pretty sure that's how it works, even if that's the strangest part of all to him. It isn't strange to Xingchen that hasn't had much, it's strange to him that he actually wants something. But he knows that he can only have it here.

The rest of what he's doesn't know, he's willing to discover. He follows Xue Yang's touch, feels it going around his waist, and his only reaction is a soft smile. Not quite what it was before, but something.

"You actually want to stay with a blind man. I shouldn't chase you away."

Xue Yang shakes his head a little, a smile slowly forming under Xingchen's fingers. "I've been yours for a long time."

So many things he hasn't told Xingchen. Some of which...he's still not sure he should. But seeing that soft smile again loosens the tight knot in his chest and he leans his head forward. Not to kiss this time, but to press their foreheads together as his other arm moves to join the other with more care for the injuries Xingchen is so concerned over.

"I want to be with my Daozhang. I don't see a blind man when I look at you."

Xue Yang falls silent for a moment, thinking on the rest of what Xingchen said. Asked him to trust this angel in his arms. To talk to him. Asked him what he wants, if there was one thing Xingchen could give him.

"Xingchen," he tests it out and knows he's smiling again. "May I have another kiss?" Asking for one small portion of what he wants. He knows this precious man isn't ready for more than kissing, and hopefully cuddling.

He wants to do this the right way.

"Not long enough."

The words are murmured before Xingchen can think to stop them. But there's no point in thinking about how things might've been, or even how they'll be. There is only how things are, in this present moment.

The corners of his lips quirk when he calls him by his name, unexpected but unexpectedly pleasant. Xingchen nods his head to give him permission. He thinks there will come a time when that's not necessary either, but it's a good practice for Xue Yang to have in these early days.

Three simple words, but they almost burn right through him. Xue Yang closes his eyes tight, fingers curling a little at Xingchen's waist. What would his life have been like, if he'd known to go up the mountain and somehow found Xiao Xingchen?

Better. Much better than the living hell he'd managed on his own.

He breathes out, carefully. "Yours for life," he murmurs.

Then opens his eyes to see the faint smile, to feel the nod. Permission granted, and it lifts his still-too-fragile heart up. He pulls a hand away from Xingchen's waist to rest light fingers on the man's cheek before he leans in.

This kiss isn't the playful, testing little kisses they'd exchanged before. This kiss is firmer, warmer, with an attempt to reign in just how fierce his emotions are for Xingchen.

Xingchen's not prepared for that kiss. He thinks he is, after what they exchanged before. But he'd assumed that Xue Yang was someone young and innocent then.

This kiss reminds him of just how wrong he'd been. There's a hunger to it, a kiss that wants a little more of him. It gives him no time to catch his breath, so Xingchen finds himself clinging to him in the wake of it.

He feels warm and dizzy and- Where did Xue Yang even learn such a wicked kiss that leaves his heart racing and the taste of him still on his tongue? He might as well be mute as well as blind, because all he can do is stay there in his proximity, feeling the heat that's behind the color high on his cheekbones.

As much of a surprise as the kiss is for Xingchen, it's nothing compared to what Xue Yang wants to give him. But it's enough for now, feeling Xingchen cling to him. Feels his heart race alongside his own as he holds this precious man close.

Lips still tingling and body warm with bliss of having gotten to kiss his angel again. He grins, seeing the color staining pale cheeks and presses his lips tenderly to a cheek. Then leans his forehead against Xingchen's as he hums quietly. He will happily hold the other man as long as Xingchen lets him. Tirelessly.

He slowly pulls himself back together. Steadies his heart, even out his breathing. Xingchen's grip loosens and slides down him gently. And it reminds him-

"You should put a clean shirt on."

Xingchen will do his best with the damaged one.

"And...it might be time to take your sword back."

He could handle a second damaged shirt, but he doesn't think he could handle Xue Yang being damaged again.

Heaven. This is what heaven feels like. Xue Yang feels hope growing, still shy, still hesitant. Still a little fragile.

Being told to put a clean shirt on has him laugh and squeeze Xingchen before starting to pull away. Only to pause at the second statement. What it hints at. Trust. Care.

He slowly reaches up to cup Xingchen's face, careful and gentle. Precious. "If you want me to carry Jiangzai again, I will. I won't use it unless I have to for work, or to protect you."

Because Xingchen matters above all else.

But he remembers what else he's been told. And it's...more of a challenge to remember. "And...if I am attacked by someone here...I will only defend." Promises. For Xiao Xingchen. For his Daozhang.

Anything. Everything, for this precious man.

Xingchen listens closely to the sound of his voice, tries not to be distracted by his touch - he's somewhat unsuccessful there, tipping his face more into Xue Yang's touch before he can stop himself.

But he hears sincerity in his voice. It's no act, Xiao Xingchen chooses to believe that.

"I trust you."

Not only to not do harm, but also to not be harmed.

"Pick up your sword again." He smirks gently. "It's too heavy for me anyway."

...Oh that smirk isn't fair. Xue Yang grins and doesn't even try to keep himself from leaning in to steal a quick, playful kiss before laughing again as he pulls away.

"I will be your strength, Xiao Xingchen!"

Xingchen's shield.

Xingchen's weapon.

Anything his daozhang needs, Xue Yang will step up and be.

He digs around in the little chest left in the apartment for clothes and pulls out one of the new shirts he'd managed to buy. A second's pause to remember to be careful of his bandages in dressing, then he's right back in Xingchen's space, reaching for a hand.

Xingchen laughs at his words. Xue Yang is strange but cute. His heart seems to warm to him despite any effort to the contrary. But there are none of those efforts now. Xingchen is letting himself feel what he feels.

"You are."

He says it quietly. Everything would've been much harder if not for Xue Yang. If not for his willingness to keep Xiao Xingchen by his side. He gives his hand a squeeze.

"Do you feel better?"

That laugh washes over him. Warms him from head to toe. Maybe it's a temporary thing, this bliss, this peace. But he's going to hold onto it with all he is for as long as he can.

Xue Yang feels his breath stolen away when Xingchen tells him he is his strength. Smile bright and careless with his delight. He gives that precious hand a gentle squeeze in answer, standing not quite pressed against the other man. Close enough the heat of their bodies can be felt.

"You laughed." A simple answer.

"I like it here."

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why i suddenly switched to brackets in that last tag, idk

XD

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