farsickness | You intruded on paradise.

Two sides of the same whole. Perfect. Beautiful together. It's part of why he'd hated them on sight. But now...He loves Xingchen with every fiber of his being.

How can he feel any less for Xingchen's other half? He just doesn't know Zichen as well. Not yet.

He flushes at the gesture, and the words that slip out have his eyes go wide. Maybe...? No. He doesn't want this man to understand that part of his past. Not first hand. Not Zichen. His stomach churns in a whole different way at the thought, but he doesn't ask.

Instead, Xue Yang slowly walks back to him, eyes still searching for disgust. And finding no sign of it. So he takes a breath, gathers himself, and tilts his head with an attempt at a smile - it comes out shy and hesitant.

"If it is at your side - yours and Xingchen's - that you want me, then I am here. It's where I want to be, I just...don't want to hurt you again..."

It is difficult - impossible, he would argue - to not love Xiao Xingchen after you know him. He will certainly try to care for you regardless! The warmth with which he had greeted Song Zichen the first time they met had earned him a place in Zichen's heart. And now he is part of his soul too.

He has seen how much his other half cares for Xue Yang. This has become more than giving the man a simple chance. His hand is steady as he reaches for him, but Zichen is too shy to meet his gaze.

At least until he sees that smile. It's such a pretty expression and it gives him the courage to wrap an arm around Xue Yang's waist.

"If you don't want to hurt me, you won't. I believe in you, A-Yang." he glances down at how close they are standing and he flushes, "I like...touching you. It's comforting."

Edited 2020-06-04 11:43 (UTC)

Xiao Xingchen is a being of pure kindness and light. Xue Yang hadn't known how to respond to him until it was all but too late. But there's this new, last chance, and he's latched onto it with both hands and will cling to his last breath. And now...now Song Lan is right there too.

He doesn't try to avoid the arm as it reaches for him, though when it curls around his waist to pull him against the taller man, he can hardly remember how to breath. And the words, the intimate nickname, the blush...the admission.

He blushes hard even when his smile strengthens and he dares to wrap both his arms around Zichen's waist. Someone believes in him. It calms the wild chaos that is his mind and core, but he still can't help peeking at the other man's lips.

"I like when you touch me. And...I would...very much like to kiss you, properly this time..."

When two people revolve around one another, their paths will eventually cross again. Xue Yang only needed to hold onto Xiao Xingchen a little longer and things might have been different for all of them. But Song Zichen likes how everything stands in this place. The strong arms around his waist make his heart feel like it's soaring and he can feel the gaze on his lips.

Is he thinking of trying again - ? Zichen realizes that he wants him to and he lightly rests a hand on the other man's cheek, tucking his hair behind his ear.

"If you don't, I shall." even if he has little idea what a proper kiss should feel like. He can't deny what he wants anymore; not with Xue Yang so close and warm in his arms.

Might. Maybe. They can't live on what ifs. They have here, and now. It has to be enough. And with Zichen's arm around him and his strong body pressed to his...knowing Xingchen loves them both...It's enough for Xue Yang.

The hand on his cheek is answered with a hotter blush and he leans into it before the answer has him giggle in amazement. Well! Far be it for him to deny what they both want!

He leans in, nuzzling their lips together playfully. Then presses their lips together fully, slow and tender, trying not to push the other man too far, too fast.

He begins to smile, his thumb caressing the corner of Xue Yang's lips. This feels like a dream and maybe that is helping him to remain calm and accepting of the touches. His breath catches under the nuzzling and then the kiss comes - sweet and soft. Zichen tries to keep his eyes open, but the solid warmth lulls him into a state of serenity.

However he suddenly pulls back and gazes at Xue Yang intently, holding him closer, tighter.

"This is not...my first time. I was...forced...when I was young." and that led to his fear of touch, "I feel you should know."

In case he is disgusted by what Zichen surely could not have helped.

Touches and smiles and warmth all have Xue Yang feel like this is another dream he doesn't ever wish to wake from. His eyes also slip closed when they finally kiss and he barely manages to refrain from bouncing with joy.

Then Zichen pulls back, but the arms tightening around him keep him from pulling away. His eyes blink open to gaze at the taller man, quizzically. Only to hiss at the information, eyes narrowing in protective anger. "Who dared touch you?" Almost a snarl. "Who dared hurt you like that?"

But it makes sense. All to much sense. "I lived on the streets, A-Lan. I was 'a pretty boy' and there were plenty who liked to use pretty boys." He hadn't ever wanted either of his Daozhangs to understand what that means though.

But Zichen does.

The immediate anger on his behalf makes him feel...good. And dizzy. Zichen gazes at Xue Yang in open wonder before tucking his face against the other man's neck. Is this why they feel like they fit too? Like, somehow, some way, Xue Yang was meant to be part of Xingchen and him?

"They don't matter to me anymore. I forgave them so that I could move on." not because he wants to ever give them a chance to touch him again, "I asked Xingchen to pass judgement over them should I see them again. I don't trust myself to not be heavy handed."

But it feels amazing to not only be accepted, but thought worthy of protection by both Xingchen and Xue Yang. However it hurts him deeply to hear of the other's experiences. Pulling back slightly, he nudges their foreheads together, expression determined.

"I will never use you."

Ever. His lips, his hands, his body, his soul will protect and comfort only. Xue Yang can rest easy knowing he is cherished.

He draws in a quick breath when he feels the other's face press to his neck, then quickly curls an arm around his shoulders and leans his cheek against Zichen's hair. Cradling. Protecting. He listens with admiration to what the daozhang tells him. He nuzzles Zichen's hair and tamps back on his fury with effort.

He can control himself for his daozhangs.

"They don't matter at all. They will never hurt you again. A-Chen and I won't allow it."

Xue Yang leans readily against Zichen, nudging their noses together and staring with amazement at that determined look. The promise...doesn't surprise him. But it has him smile after a moment, breath huffing out in almost a laugh.

"I will not harm you ever again." He'll say it every day if he needs to.

Taking comfort from someone else is not a common activity for Zichen. He breathes in Xue Yang's scent - at first on accident and then purposefully - and his heartbeat calms. The nuzzling lifts his spirit and the shadows of his past dissipate as if they never existed in the first place. Xiao Xingchen has this effect on him.

And now Xue Yang does too.

"I'm not worried." he pulls the shorter man in closer, bodies flush, his arms firmly around Xue Yang's waist. Words aren't enough to express how he feels. Instead he gazes at him for a moment in silence and then...

He is the one kissing Xue Yang. Firmly, sweetly, proving he is a fast learner.

For so long, Xue Yang has just had Xiao Xingchen for comfort. And most of that time, Xingchen hadn't known who it was he was living beside. Only here in Gazin are those truths out in the open between them, and now Zichen has joined them.

And...Zichen is warm. Far more so than he'd ever have expected. Feeling how the strong man seems to settle because of him - because of him! - slides deep into his heart and chases away much of his own pain. And for Song Zichen to tell him he's not worried, for strong arms to wrap around him and pull him just a little closer, from a man who does not like touch...

He beams brightly into the sweet kiss before answering it. He lets Zichen decide how far they go, not wanting to spook him or push him too fast. This is already far more than he'd ever have thought possible.

Xue Yang's lips are surprising - they are soft and warm; he likes that they taste faintly sweet as if the man has recently enjoyed one of his beloved candies. He thinks he could keep kissing him for hours.

His hands move over Xue Yang's back tentatively, tracing over him, memorizing him. Reluctantly, he breaks the kiss and rests their heads together, amazed by the sheer amount of feelings the other man inspires.

"Have you kissed Xingchen?" his brow furrows thoughtfully, "If you did, how did you kiss him?"

Edited 2020-06-06 06:09 (UTC)

Xue Yang would say he tastes sweet because of his daozhangs! He hums as the hand moves over his back, leaning just a little more against Zichen. His breath is faster by the time Zichen breaks the kiss, his eyes are long closed as he enjoys just feeling...

Cherished. Maybe even important to more than just Xingchen.

The questions have him grin and slowly blink his eyes open to peer curiously at Zichen. "We've only kissed and cuddled, A-Lan," he promises. But there's just a hint of a return of mischief to the implied request. He adjusts his hold on the taller man - one arm remaining curled around Zichen's waist in support, the other hand moves up to cup his cheek, fingers feather-light.

Then leans in to kiss Zichen firmly, warm but just a little more wild and chaotic than the sweet kisses before. This one is far more deep and almost wicked in sharing some of his passion with one of his daozhangs.

He flushes at the promise and at the idea of Xingchen and Xue Yang kissing. His body tingles and he understands that he isn't jealous - rather, he wants to see them in the act. He wants to touch them and -

Be touched. His hands can be gentle, he knows; gentle enough to cradle a baby bird or soothe a frightened animal. Zichen wants to love them in that way - through his fingertips, his palms...his lips...

"I'm under no delusions. I know how he feels about you." Zichen is silenced by the hand against his cheek and he shudders when their lips meet again. This kiss is...new. It makes him tingle more, the sensations pooling in his stomach until he feels like his core is molten heat. His lips part to let Xue Yang taste and explore, his eyes falling closed in bliss.

They are cultivators. They can be as gentle or as rough as they wish to be. Xue Yang cradles Zichen's face gently despite the heat of the kiss. Addicting to kiss this man too, he finds himself realizing as his heart races. He'd pull back if Zichen made any sound or sign of distress - he keeps enough restraint for that.

But unless he senses such a sign...he takes his time in teaching Zichen how good just kisses and holding can be, until lungs burn and he has to break the kiss. Lips tingle as he pants for breath, and he presses his forehead against Zichen's.

But then he giggles at himself and drops his forehead to Zichen's shoulder. There's an almost shy, almost young quality to his gaze when he peeks up at the taller man again a moment later. "And...do you know how I feel...about you?"

This is a dream; reality has never been so pleasurable. Zichen holds onto Xue Yang not only because he wants him to stay close, but also because his legs are feeling weak. His vision swims when at last they part and he is fixated on every place they come into contact. If he moves...just a little...

He gasps when their hips collide - gently - and his hand shakes when he cradles the back of the other man's head. Zichen wants more, but he is cautious. Does Xue Yang desire him in the same way? Or is he humoring him? The thought makes him cold and he meets that adorable gaze, cheeks red.

"I - I don't know. How you feel about me." he amends, "You should tell me. I like...kissing you, but if you feel nothing, we should stop."

The dream started upon coming to Gazin, for Xue Yang. It had turned briefly to almost a nightmare, for a week, but then...back to bliss. Back to an even better dream. Even baring himself to Xingchen had been worth it all. Now they have Zichen.

Feeling hips move to press against his sends a jolt of electricity and pleasure through him, drawing a quiet moan from Xue Yang as his cheeks flush. He tightens his hold on Zichen's waist as he listens and meets the other man's gaze. He draws in a breath, then forces it slowly out as his gaze softens in understanding.

Certainty settles over him before he answers. "I am new to love, Daozhang. I know I love Xingchen. How do I feel about you...? I love you." He doesn't think his heart is about to be trampled with that admission. But he could be wrong. He's been wrong before.

Gazin has been very good to him too - in completely unexpected ways! Zichen understands why Xingchen fell in love with Xue Yang and though he has fought similar feelings, he sees that he can do so no longer. But there is one line he will never cross: if Xue Yang doesn't feel any affection for him, he will not force him. The very idea leaves him shaken and nauseous.

The hardness that is rubbing insistently against his trousers takes his breath away - particularly when there is additional pressure against it. He wants to grind against Xue Yang for some relief, yet he is disciplined enough to restrain himself. The answer to his question might spell the end to this dream and Zichen's chest aches.

Loving Xingchen is a given. He nods shyly and smooths back Xue Yang's hair with a patient hand. He suspects that the next words will be something along the lines of: "Since I love Xiao Xingchen, I can't love you." In fact, he prepares himself, feeling guilty for confusing Xue Yang so. He is the one who let this get out of hand.

I love you. And it is said with such certainty. Zichen gasps for a second time and his eyes shift to take in every inch of the man before him. Then he is kissing him - hungrily, ravenously, making desperate sounds in his throat.

He leans into the hand smoothing over his hair with a blissful sigh, greedily soaking up every hint at affection he's shown. He'd willingly shown his heart and soul to Xingchen, ready to be used or cast aside however that pure soul wished. Been told to trust Xingchen, to talk to him, in the spirit of being together.

Now...he's doing the same thing again, for Song Zichen. A little out of order, perhaps. But Zichen is different to Xingchen. He watches that expression subtly turn to resignation, then shock when he finished. Then lips are devouring his, stealing his breath away and making him cling with a whimper to the taller man. It shakes him to his very core and he meets that hunger with his own.

Xue Yang lets his hips press forward, impishly, in silent offer without needing to breath the searing kiss. The hand on Zichen's cheek moves to the back of his head, fingers burying in dark hair.

A shock of the purest pleasure surges through his veins and he somehow knows what to do. Zichen is a disciplined man. He is a man who believes in justice. But right now, instincts are leading him forward and he grinds against Xue Yang desperately, needing the loving touches. Some part of him encourages him; that part breathes sweet promises into his ears and his hands drop to tug open Xue Yang's robe.

He moans into the hot mouth he is currently ravishing when his palms encounter bare flesh. It is then, unfortunately, that he recalls he has not given Xue Yang a proper answer. With a hand resting on Xue Yang's chest, soothing the racing heart with gentle strokes, Zichen tries to speak:

"I love you...too. I love Xingchen; I would do anything for him, but... I need you as well." he fumbles over his wording and bites his lip, "You... Are you sure? That you love me?"

Edited 2020-06-06 08:09 (UTC)

Filled with want and hot desire - and yet...when he feels the hand tug his robe open then settle over his heart, and lips pull from his...he shudders and rests his forehead against Zichen's shoulder as he tries to breathe and figure out the sudden flash of guilt. He listens in a daze to what Zichen says.

The flash of guilt puts a damper on his arousal. And he must be insane but he's trembling as he speaks. "Yes...And that's...the crazy part...There are a few things...I should tell you.

"But they will hurt you. I don't see how you could want me around when you know." He doesn't dare look up. "Some of the things I have done are worse than you know..." Much of what he has done, in fact. But three things, in particular, that would utterly horrify Zichen.

"I haven't told Xingchen...I can't lose him like that again." There's an edge of madness in his voice at the hoarse whisper. Nothing compared to how he'd once have hinted at such a painful topic. Before, he'd have been laughing to hide his pain. Now it's out for viewing in all it's raw, painful edges.

Zichen is breathless too and confused on how to word the wonderful feeling Xue Yang has given him. He knows love and so there is no mistake. This man - as he is now - is one of his heart's desires. Therefore, when he hears the pain in Xue Yang's voice, he takes hold of his hand and leads him to one of their bedrooms. It's...rather forward. But they should be comfortable when discussing anything further.

Sitting down on the bed, he pats the spot next to him, holding open his arms. He doesn't want any space between them - even if what is said hurts. Zichen would be a fool to think he knows all of Xue Yang's evil doings - and he is far from foolish.

"Tell me, A-Yang." he encourages, calmly, "If it is too much for Xingchen to bear, he can perhaps be told in pieces. But I will not tell him anything until you wish to do so."

He is loyal to his first love - his soulmate - but in order for Xue Yang to grow, he must be able to trust them. Xingchen trusts him, he believes, and so he will do what feels right in his stead. Especially if it helps ease poor Xingchen's mind.

"No one will be lost."

Xue Yang has this dream. This precious, beautiful dream, held in his hands. Xiao Xingchen loves him, wants to marry him. And Song Zichen has also taken up space in his heart.

And he's sure he's about to destroy it, but he can't see any way around it. The feeling of guilt will allow no less, and he hates feeling guilty. He lets himself be led, docile as they reach Zichen's room. His and Xingchen's is slightly larger - and only because Xingchen likes waking up with Xue Yang next to him. It helps them both sleep.

He finds he can't deny Zichen now, no more than he can deny Xingchen. So he sits next to the taller man and burrows into warm arms with a sigh, presses his face against the other's neck and breathes in. The encouragement amazes him.

"Shuanghua is a magnificent sword. It can tell corpse from the living. But I found it can't tell the actual dead from those who have just been poisoned. I...I cut out your tongue, Daozhang, and I poisoned you...and tricked Daozhang Xingchen into believing his nameless friend was being attacked and killed you." His arms tighten around Zichen and he shudders at the memory. He remembers how amazed and delighted he'd been at the time.

"...I came back later and put nails in your head to control you, to turn you into a Fierce Corpse I controlled." He pulls back now, unaware of how his face is damp again, and moves trembling fingers up to touch points at the back of Zichen's head. His jaw works for a moment before he forces himself to continue.

"Then the next day...he confronted me and you came to defend me." Because he hadn't raised Jiangzai against Xingchen. "He found out who he'd killed and..." Fingers dig into his hair now and he crumples against Zichen. "He- he cut his throat...! He didn't let me bring him back!" He'd tried so hard that even now that he has Xingchen back, he feels himself start to break just remembering it.

Zichen tucks Xue Yang against him, offering any comfort he has to give. His chest aches already and he knows he must be strong; stronger than ever. Showing any sign of rejection will break the progress they have made with Xue Yang and he can't risk that. They have to move forward.

So he lets himself become the ice again, the boiling streams of want cooling to something manageable. Emotion will not get the best of him again. He had pushed Xingchen away; he will not do the same thing to Xue Yang.

However the test of his resolve is almost impossible to bear. He made Xingchen kill innocent people? Furthermore, though Zichen doesn't need revenge for his own life being taken, did it have to be done in that manner? He flinches under the questing fingers, almost able to imagine the nails being driven in.

Tears well in his eyes, spilling down his cheeks. Xiao Xingchen had -

Because of his death? Because he caused it? Yes, Zichen knows he would have; that is a pain neither of them would have been able to shoulder.

It takes him several minutes to process all of what is said and then to look - really look - at Xue Yang. The man is in agony. His guilt is rending him apart. He inhales and fills his mind with how much change he has seen, firsthand - including the fact that Xue Yang is telling him the truth unasked.

He gathers Xue Yang into his arms, closing his eyes tightly, his breathing hitched as he sobs.

"...do you hate me?"

Everything else is done and he cannot speak for Xingchen, however he can't help feeling intensely hurt that Xue Yang went so far to defile him. He must wander the Earth tongueless and bereft of his soulmate.

He tears himself open for those he loves. He's learned that about himself now. He'd thought it was just Xingchen, but now he knows better. Now he knows he can't so much as raise a hand against Zichen, either. Not even in defense.

Xue Yang fully expects to be shoved away. Beaten. Broken. Laid low again, for what he tells Zichen. He'd even accept death, if it would help Zichen feel any better. He's already promised to give himself over to whatever justice their world has in store for him if and whenever he returns to Yi City.

He curls into a miserable ball against Zichen as he waits, struggling to cling to what shred of sense he still has. To not completely shatter apart and scream his heart and soul out. To scream his throat raw and bloody. He already feels like he's bleeding out.

And then something wonderful happens. He feels himself picked up and held against a strong and warm chest again. The question seizes his heart and he shudders before clinging to Zichen, shaking his head hard. "No!" His breath hitches, he squeezes his eyes closed, and tries to draw himself another step back from madness.

"...I used to. But I don't now. I used to be jealous...of you and Daozhang Xingchen...

"I know better now, I haven't felt jealous in...weeks. Not since Xingchen made sure I knew he wants me to stay, even with you here. Not since I started to get to know you."

You intruded on paradise.

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Have a novel @_@

I love your novels. <3

<3!!

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