farsickness | You intruded on paradise.

Entry tags:

xue yang | the untamed

You intruded on paradise.

WHO: Song Lan/Song Zichen & Xue Yang (Open to Xiao Xingchen too.)
WHEN: Several weeks after he learns of the wedding.
WHAT: He needs to test Xue Yang in order to understand him.
WHERE: Gazin
WARNINGS: TBD

He sat in meditation, trying to find peace with what was unfolding before his eyes. Xiao Xingchen, his soulmate, loved another. Oh their love hadn't faded, so, truly, Xue Yang was more of an addition than an opponent. Still, considering the man's past, it was understandable why Zichen felt so ill at ease with the arrangement.

The past few weeks he had been watching Xue Yang, playing the part of silent observer, however that wasn't good enough. He needed to test him; to get to know him - perhaps intimately - so he knew Xingchen was safe.

And loved. As he should be.

"Xue Yang." he had heard the footsteps behind him and he opened his eyes, motioning at the seat beside him, "Meditate with me."

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"The first strike I could understand, but any that followed were unmerited. You were not defending yourself." Zichen believes in justice and he won't let his temper determine the actions of his sword. If he did so, he would no longer be worthy of Fuxue.

"Mm." he isn't sure what to say, a strange heat climbing up his body and making it difficult to think. It isn't anger - he knows that emotion well enough by now - so it has to be something else. Something new.

He isn't ready to say it is similar to how he feels around Xingchen.

"I do not hold a grudge." and he will not, "I want to see you change, Xue Yang. You cannot be happy how you were."

Xue Yang shrugs a little, careless. Being stabbed doesn't bother him, not really. And they'd left him alone since then. Watched, absolutely, he'd have been annoyed if they hadn't.

"They've left me alone since then, Daozhang," he tries to reassure, if a bit awkwardly. Awed that this man might be upset on his behalf. "And the wounds healed quickly." Mostly because he naturally heals quickly. His core is very good at healing all the injuries he sustains.

His eyes grow wide at the wish and he feels his heart seem to skip a beat. He finds himself smiling widely after a moment, taking in a quick breath. "I like it here. I like having you and Daozhang Xingchen here."

"That is not the point." though he is relieved to hear they have let him be, "My core could heal me quickly too, but I would take offense to being stabbed."

His point is, right now, here, they are no different. Xue Yang needs to raise his standards when it comes to himself and what he deserves. Zichen is captivated by that sudden smile; he has never had someone look at him like that.

"...I'm glad." he looks at him sternly, "Now eat and we can go on a walk."

"That's because you're Daozhang Song. I'm not a good person, but I'm trying to be better here." Because Xingchen.

...And now...Zichen. "They weren't aiming to kill, really." He knows how that feels. But it had landed him with Xingchen, so...

"And I didn't strike back." Which he's still rather proud of himself for.

He pouts suddenly, just a little, at the stern change. But obediently starts eating because...well. Zichen had promised a walk, and the 'we' hints he'll get to walk with Zichen. And he might just lean...a little...against the other man, if allowed.

"I thought you were putting the past behind you and starting anew?" he queries, "If so, you and I are no different. If anyone attempts to repeat the stabbing, they will answer to Fuxue."

The pout confuses him and reminds him that he should be gentler. It bothers him to see Xue Yang eating silently and obediently. That isn't the sort of man he should be outside of meditation. Hesitantly, he lifts an arm and wraps it around Xue Yang's shoulders.

Xue Yang pointedly lets his eyes go wide and blinks at the other cultivator. "I am, I'm not so sure about the others." But it also doesn't matter. He still won't attack them, not unless they tried to hurt Zichen, Xingchen, or Wen Qing.

But then his breath catches when Zichen curls an arm around him. Catches him off-balance and confused by how it makes him feel. He still snuggles into the offered comfort, not about to refuse it when either of his Daozhangs offer.

It still earns Zichen a confused look. "...What is it?" What has he done now?

"They don't matter."

Not in this regard. Xue Yang needs a small world - one that is safe and disciplined - to get back on his feet. Anyone who tries to introduce chaos or vengeance will be turned away at the door.

"I want you to focus on yourself."

He hears the breath catch and his arm lifts a little, unsure, before settling again around Xue Yang's shoulders. The other man is strong, but he feels warm too and that sensation calls to Zichen more than he would like to admit.

"Sometimes...I am...stern." he murmurs, clearly uncomfortable, "That isn't how I feel. That is only how I speak."

'They don't matter.' He blinks again, confusion growing. But who is he to dismiss what Zichen says? He doesn't have to understand.

The skin around his eyes wrinkle as he tries to puzzle out the reason behind being told he should focus on himself, teeth nibbling on a lip absently. "Daozhang," he starts, carefully, quietly. "...When I focus on myself," slowly, "I go crazy. I kill and I manipulate and I trick others into doing my dirty work for amusement."

A long pause. "When I focus on Xingchen...here...I am better. I focus my energy on keeping him safe. On making him happy and comfortable. And now, when I focus on you...I do the same. I am happy...if you two are happy."

He expects still to be pushed away. Tense. But he doesn't move until that happens. Expects to be shunned again as a monster, a horrible little thing that should only be put down before it destroys everything good that is left.

He closes his eyes and masters himself. Calm. If he is calm, he won't react as negatively to the touch Xue Yang needs. Craves. He understands that now and when he opens his eyes, he gathers the other man into his arms, speaking quietly against his hair.

"In small increments, you must focus on yourself. You must discover the cause of your pain and come to us for help. I promise, you are not alone." Zichen can feel the tension and he continues softly, "That is the only way you will overcome it."

One of his hands rubs over Xue Yang's back in soothing circles.

"I believe you are strong enough."

The food falls from his hands, back to the plate, when he's tugged into warm arms. He shudders and burrows into the feeling of safety that is offered even now.

He listens and tries to understand. So much confusion. So much counter to all he's ever known and been taught or witnessed. Gentle hand on his back, rubbing to sooth him. No pain.

Heart racing too fast, surely Zichen can feel it!

"I haven't broken yet," he murmurs, trying to believe all that is being offered to him. Believe, accept, lean on...It's all he's ever wanted, really. Someone who believes in him. Someone who sees him, and sees he can do and be better.

Xue Yang lets out a breath and snuggles a little closer. "I will try, Daozhang."

He leans his head back slightly so Xue Yang can tuck himself close. That racing heart is felt and he rubs over the other man's chest too. Don't be frightened. Nothing can be solved in a panic, so they must take this slowly. But there is no part of Xue Yang that he is determined to ignore or run from.

"You won't." he promises - declares, "If you were destined to break, you would have done so already. This is about acceptance and healing. There are parts that will hurt and frighten you, but when you turn around, you will find you are not alone in the dark."

He slides a hand up Xue Yang's neck and caresses his cheek idly.

Edited 2020-06-04 10:04 (UTC)

Xingchen cuddles are one thing, and precious. But this...from Song Zichen? Xue Yang knows himself well enough to know how quickly he's already grown addicted to this affection. It helps settle his racing heart, although only from fear.

It changes to something completely else at the declaration. And the hand moving up his neck to his cheek has his face heat before he moves without thinking about it. Lifts his head to press his lips clumsily to Zichen's before he gasps and starts to scramble back.

Back and away - surely now is the best time to flee!

Simple comfort turns into something more - as he sensed it would when they meditated together. His heart skips a beat when lips brush against his mouth, but instead of the expected panic setting in, he feels something...exciting. Like a rush of heat, though they were nowhere near a fire.

Xue Yang has caused that heat and when he leaves his embrace, Zichen frowns, fingers grasping at thin air.

"Xue Yang..." his voice cracks and he rises, a little unsteady, from his chair, "Don't go..."

He has his back to Zichen by the time he hears the other stand and speak. Seeing what he expects would hurt more than he's willing to bear, but the plea tugs him to a stop. Xue Yang's fingers dig into the cloth at his sides as he tries to just breath, waiting for the expected derision.

He's ruined it. Surely he has. Normally he would grin and laugh it off. Pretend it's nothing. That it means nothing. He feels a little ill, even, for destroying something new he'd been enjoying.

But even unplanned...

"...Do you want me to apologize...Daozhang...?" Quiet and wary. "Is that why you won't let me go?"

The air is thick with fear. Zichen has his own misgivings about being touched - and especially being kissed - yet, strangely, he feels none of them. The fear, then, must be coming from Xue Yang. He notices how the other man grips the material of his robes - a nervous habit, perhaps? The tension must be painful, he presumes, given the state of one of those hands.

But that can be addressed later.

"Apologize for what?" he chooses his words carefully, sounding almost shy, "I didn't mind the kiss."

He had been the one to initiate contact and Xue Yang had only...made it sweeter. Zichen licks his lips and bows his head.

"Unless you regret it?"

He's still not used to thinking about others, other than how he can use them. It's easiest with Xingchen, getting easier with Wen Qing and Zichen. But never quite like this. Even with Xingchen he'd teased kisses from the sweet man and had been delirious with joy when they were returned.

It's different with Zichen. He can't even explain why.

Xue Yang listens. Hears the shy quality to that familiar voice, but it's the words that surprise him the most. "You...didn't?" Not doubt, exactly. Song Zichen isn't one to lie. Surprise, certainly. And he hesitantly turns his head enough to peer at him through loose hair.

Only to draw in a sharp breath at the question, and he half turns back before reigning himself in. "No! Only - only that I did not ask...

"I do not want to push you away..." So removing himself first just makes sense, right?

Xiao Xingchen is his other half - undoubtedly - and far more outgoing than him. Zichen is less...innocent...than that dear man and that was one of the many reasons he feared for Xingchen when they split apart. He will never forgive himself for saying such horrible things, yet he knows those words came from a side of him that Xingchen may not be able to understand.

Xue Yang could. They are not so different except in the choices they make.

"I didn't." he repeats, raising a hand to beckon Xue Yang back to him, "You would only do so if you left me."

The wording reaches his ears belatedly and he flushes, embarrassment making his stomach clench.

Two sides of the same whole. Perfect. Beautiful together. It's part of why he'd hated them on sight. But now...He loves Xingchen with every fiber of his being.

How can he feel any less for Xingchen's other half? He just doesn't know Zichen as well. Not yet.

He flushes at the gesture, and the words that slip out have his eyes go wide. Maybe...? No. He doesn't want this man to understand that part of his past. Not first hand. Not Zichen. His stomach churns in a whole different way at the thought, but he doesn't ask.

Instead, Xue Yang slowly walks back to him, eyes still searching for disgust. And finding no sign of it. So he takes a breath, gathers himself, and tilts his head with an attempt at a smile - it comes out shy and hesitant.

"If it is at your side - yours and Xingchen's - that you want me, then I am here. It's where I want to be, I just...don't want to hurt you again..."

It is difficult - impossible, he would argue - to not love Xiao Xingchen after you know him. He will certainly try to care for you regardless! The warmth with which he had greeted Song Zichen the first time they met had earned him a place in Zichen's heart. And now he is part of his soul too.

He has seen how much his other half cares for Xue Yang. This has become more than giving the man a simple chance. His hand is steady as he reaches for him, but Zichen is too shy to meet his gaze.

At least until he sees that smile. It's such a pretty expression and it gives him the courage to wrap an arm around Xue Yang's waist.

"If you don't want to hurt me, you won't. I believe in you, A-Yang." he glances down at how close they are standing and he flushes, "I like...touching you. It's comforting."

Edited 2020-06-04 11:43 (UTC)

Xiao Xingchen is a being of pure kindness and light. Xue Yang hadn't known how to respond to him until it was all but too late. But there's this new, last chance, and he's latched onto it with both hands and will cling to his last breath. And now...now Song Lan is right there too.

He doesn't try to avoid the arm as it reaches for him, though when it curls around his waist to pull him against the taller man, he can hardly remember how to breath. And the words, the intimate nickname, the blush...the admission.

He blushes hard even when his smile strengthens and he dares to wrap both his arms around Zichen's waist. Someone believes in him. It calms the wild chaos that is his mind and core, but he still can't help peeking at the other man's lips.

"I like when you touch me. And...I would...very much like to kiss you, properly this time..."

When two people revolve around one another, their paths will eventually cross again. Xue Yang only needed to hold onto Xiao Xingchen a little longer and things might have been different for all of them. But Song Zichen likes how everything stands in this place. The strong arms around his waist make his heart feel like it's soaring and he can feel the gaze on his lips.

Is he thinking of trying again - ? Zichen realizes that he wants him to and he lightly rests a hand on the other man's cheek, tucking his hair behind his ear.

"If you don't, I shall." even if he has little idea what a proper kiss should feel like. He can't deny what he wants anymore; not with Xue Yang so close and warm in his arms.

Might. Maybe. They can't live on what ifs. They have here, and now. It has to be enough. And with Zichen's arm around him and his strong body pressed to his...knowing Xingchen loves them both...It's enough for Xue Yang.

The hand on his cheek is answered with a hotter blush and he leans into it before the answer has him giggle in amazement. Well! Far be it for him to deny what they both want!

He leans in, nuzzling their lips together playfully. Then presses their lips together fully, slow and tender, trying not to push the other man too far, too fast.

He begins to smile, his thumb caressing the corner of Xue Yang's lips. This feels like a dream and maybe that is helping him to remain calm and accepting of the touches. His breath catches under the nuzzling and then the kiss comes - sweet and soft. Zichen tries to keep his eyes open, but the solid warmth lulls him into a state of serenity.

However he suddenly pulls back and gazes at Xue Yang intently, holding him closer, tighter.

"This is not...my first time. I was...forced...when I was young." and that led to his fear of touch, "I feel you should know."

In case he is disgusted by what Zichen surely could not have helped.

Touches and smiles and warmth all have Xue Yang feel like this is another dream he doesn't ever wish to wake from. His eyes also slip closed when they finally kiss and he barely manages to refrain from bouncing with joy.

Then Zichen pulls back, but the arms tightening around him keep him from pulling away. His eyes blink open to gaze at the taller man, quizzically. Only to hiss at the information, eyes narrowing in protective anger. "Who dared touch you?" Almost a snarl. "Who dared hurt you like that?"

But it makes sense. All to much sense. "I lived on the streets, A-Lan. I was 'a pretty boy' and there were plenty who liked to use pretty boys." He hadn't ever wanted either of his Daozhangs to understand what that means though.

But Zichen does.

The immediate anger on his behalf makes him feel...good. And dizzy. Zichen gazes at Xue Yang in open wonder before tucking his face against the other man's neck. Is this why they feel like they fit too? Like, somehow, some way, Xue Yang was meant to be part of Xingchen and him?

"They don't matter to me anymore. I forgave them so that I could move on." not because he wants to ever give them a chance to touch him again, "I asked Xingchen to pass judgement over them should I see them again. I don't trust myself to not be heavy handed."

But it feels amazing to not only be accepted, but thought worthy of protection by both Xingchen and Xue Yang. However it hurts him deeply to hear of the other's experiences. Pulling back slightly, he nudges their foreheads together, expression determined.

"I will never use you."

Ever. His lips, his hands, his body, his soul will protect and comfort only. Xue Yang can rest easy knowing he is cherished.

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