farsickness | You intruded on paradise.

Entry tags:

xue yang | the untamed

You intruded on paradise.

WHO: Song Lan/Song Zichen & Xue Yang (Open to Xiao Xingchen too.)
WHEN: Several weeks after he learns of the wedding.
WHAT: He needs to test Xue Yang in order to understand him.
WHERE: Gazin
WARNINGS: TBD

He sat in meditation, trying to find peace with what was unfolding before his eyes. Xiao Xingchen, his soulmate, loved another. Oh their love hadn't faded, so, truly, Xue Yang was more of an addition than an opponent. Still, considering the man's past, it was understandable why Zichen felt so ill at ease with the arrangement.

The past few weeks he had been watching Xue Yang, playing the part of silent observer, however that wasn't good enough. He needed to test him; to get to know him - perhaps intimately - so he knew Xingchen was safe.

And loved. As he should be.

"Xue Yang." he had heard the footsteps behind him and he opened his eyes, motioning at the seat beside him, "Meditate with me."

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His nod of approval is accompanied by a sense of relief. He really doesn't want to see how Xue Yang changes when he is drunk. Besides tea is healthier and Zichen can brew what is available with his eyes closed.

Not that he would, but the man is well acquainted with tea.

"I can help the flavor." he balances the herbs by hand before steeping them in hot water, "I know you like sweets, but you need decent fare too or else you will sicken."

And he doesn't want that. He glances in the direction of the other man, reassuring himself that he looks strong.

The nod, the approval has his chest feel tight and makes him beam. He hadn't even turned to alcohol in the horrible week Xingchen hadn't lived with him, he'd thrown himself into his work and into doing his very best to keep looking after Wen Qing and Xingchen.

Xue Yang's pout is there then gone, the smile back. Care. Concern for him, for his health.

"I don't gorge on sweets. I just like having the option of enjoying a candy."

Besides, Xingchen would be upset if he ate too many sweets and felt ill.

...And now Zichen.

"We need to make sure Xingchen eats well enough, too."

All Xue Yang needs to do is try and those around him will give him a chance. Zichen used to look after birds and other small animals on the mountain. There is something about the other man that reminds him of the more stubborn patients he had helped heal. Gentle encouragement always had a good effect on them too.

"There is nothing wrong with that." he adds a little honey to sweeten the tea, "I do. He is slender, I know, but he does look after his health well."

They had been taught to do so by their Master. A frail physical form means a frail golden core.

"He wouldn't allow himself to become weak. Then he couldn't protect you...or me." he adds with a tiny smile.

Edited 2020-05-04 06:17 (UTC)

The stabbing he'd received by the others would beg otherwise! But he hadn't attacked back, and Xingchen had defended him, so it hadn't been too bad.

Xue Yang works, feeling oddly content as he tends to the rather domestic tasks. He notices how Zichen sweetens the tea and feels his face heat a little. "He does better than he was." That horrible week had been worse because he'd known Xingchen hadn't been eating. The food he'd left for the man had always gone bad.

It had changed, once they'd had their talk, and Xingchen had returned to their house. Everything is better now. "He's stronger than he looks." He hums in agreement, beaming at that sweet little smile.

"What do you mean?" Zichen is careful to ask questions about this place and what Xingchen has experienced, but he would like to know. That applies to Xue Yang's experiences too. He feels he can't truly help them if he doesn't know everything.

Lifting the tea tray, he carries it to the table and sets out two cups.

"I feel I am missing something crucial." and he hopes Xue Yang understands how that creates a gnawing hole in his gut.

Edited 2020-05-04 06:37 (UTC)

Xue Yang prepares two plates for them and carries them to the table. One is set in front of Zichen, and the other right next to him where Xue Yang plans to sit. Unless Zichen makes a fuss, he's going to have Xue Yang stick pretty close to him as much as he can!

He takes his seat, considering the question and how to answer. He does understand how the not-knowing makes Zichen feel.

"It's my fault," he tells the other, seriously. Xingchen would deny it, of course. "There was a week, just after we got here, where we were parted. When he learned who I was, there were six of us from our world here. We all were fighting a nasty beast in the forest, and when it was over, Daozhang found out. Some of the others stabbed me a couple times before he made them stop, but...he left." His voice grows quieter the more he speaks, but remains steady. His gaze has dropped, and there's no sign of a joke or tease.

"...I found where he moved to, left food for him on his doorstep but he refused it. I couldn't stand it, after a week, so I...broke in and waited for him...we talked for a while and he...agreed to come back with me the next day."

He takes the seat without any fuss whatsoever. No matter what he is told - short of Xue Yang torturing Xingchen or killing him - he will not lose his calm or change his decision on supporting him. He suspects the story won't be good and he holds himself still as he listens.

"They attacked you for his sake? Because of the lie?" his brow furrows and he turns to face Xue Yang, "I admit I thought about stabbing you myself."

So he can't hold their actions against them. Even so...

"They must have upset him further." he knows his soulmate has a tender heart. To be betrayed by Xue Yang and then to see the man he cared about suffer would break his heart.

"He needed you to care about him truly." Zichen murmurs solemnly, expression sad, "He values your love and if he thought it was fake, that would crush him."

Hadn't he crushed him in a similar manner too? Poor Xingchen.

"We must care for him."

Edited 2020-05-04 07:19 (UTC)

Xue Yang shakes his head. "No. Because of what I'd done before. Considering I was making sure Xingchen was kept safe, they couldn't say I was going to attack him." But they'd still gone stab-happy (okay not Lan Wangji or Wen Qing...) "I didn't attack back." In fact he'd pointedly dropped Jiangzai to make sure they understood.

The admission has him smirk a little and shrug a shoulder. "I wouldn't stop you." He hadn't tried, either.

The smirk fades and he nods, fingers absently picking at the rough cloth at his knees. "I lived without him for years...Daozhang...I went mad...I'm not proud of that. Of what I've done, except while here."

Which...he raises his eyes. "I'm sorry. For everything I did to you." He's not apologizing for Xingchen's sake. No, this is directly to and for Song Zichen.

"The first strike I could understand, but any that followed were unmerited. You were not defending yourself." Zichen believes in justice and he won't let his temper determine the actions of his sword. If he did so, he would no longer be worthy of Fuxue.

"Mm." he isn't sure what to say, a strange heat climbing up his body and making it difficult to think. It isn't anger - he knows that emotion well enough by now - so it has to be something else. Something new.

He isn't ready to say it is similar to how he feels around Xingchen.

"I do not hold a grudge." and he will not, "I want to see you change, Xue Yang. You cannot be happy how you were."

Xue Yang shrugs a little, careless. Being stabbed doesn't bother him, not really. And they'd left him alone since then. Watched, absolutely, he'd have been annoyed if they hadn't.

"They've left me alone since then, Daozhang," he tries to reassure, if a bit awkwardly. Awed that this man might be upset on his behalf. "And the wounds healed quickly." Mostly because he naturally heals quickly. His core is very good at healing all the injuries he sustains.

His eyes grow wide at the wish and he feels his heart seem to skip a beat. He finds himself smiling widely after a moment, taking in a quick breath. "I like it here. I like having you and Daozhang Xingchen here."

"That is not the point." though he is relieved to hear they have let him be, "My core could heal me quickly too, but I would take offense to being stabbed."

His point is, right now, here, they are no different. Xue Yang needs to raise his standards when it comes to himself and what he deserves. Zichen is captivated by that sudden smile; he has never had someone look at him like that.

"...I'm glad." he looks at him sternly, "Now eat and we can go on a walk."

"That's because you're Daozhang Song. I'm not a good person, but I'm trying to be better here." Because Xingchen.

...And now...Zichen. "They weren't aiming to kill, really." He knows how that feels. But it had landed him with Xingchen, so...

"And I didn't strike back." Which he's still rather proud of himself for.

He pouts suddenly, just a little, at the stern change. But obediently starts eating because...well. Zichen had promised a walk, and the 'we' hints he'll get to walk with Zichen. And he might just lean...a little...against the other man, if allowed.

"I thought you were putting the past behind you and starting anew?" he queries, "If so, you and I are no different. If anyone attempts to repeat the stabbing, they will answer to Fuxue."

The pout confuses him and reminds him that he should be gentler. It bothers him to see Xue Yang eating silently and obediently. That isn't the sort of man he should be outside of meditation. Hesitantly, he lifts an arm and wraps it around Xue Yang's shoulders.

Xue Yang pointedly lets his eyes go wide and blinks at the other cultivator. "I am, I'm not so sure about the others." But it also doesn't matter. He still won't attack them, not unless they tried to hurt Zichen, Xingchen, or Wen Qing.

But then his breath catches when Zichen curls an arm around him. Catches him off-balance and confused by how it makes him feel. He still snuggles into the offered comfort, not about to refuse it when either of his Daozhangs offer.

It still earns Zichen a confused look. "...What is it?" What has he done now?

"They don't matter."

Not in this regard. Xue Yang needs a small world - one that is safe and disciplined - to get back on his feet. Anyone who tries to introduce chaos or vengeance will be turned away at the door.

"I want you to focus on yourself."

He hears the breath catch and his arm lifts a little, unsure, before settling again around Xue Yang's shoulders. The other man is strong, but he feels warm too and that sensation calls to Zichen more than he would like to admit.

"Sometimes...I am...stern." he murmurs, clearly uncomfortable, "That isn't how I feel. That is only how I speak."

'They don't matter.' He blinks again, confusion growing. But who is he to dismiss what Zichen says? He doesn't have to understand.

The skin around his eyes wrinkle as he tries to puzzle out the reason behind being told he should focus on himself, teeth nibbling on a lip absently. "Daozhang," he starts, carefully, quietly. "...When I focus on myself," slowly, "I go crazy. I kill and I manipulate and I trick others into doing my dirty work for amusement."

A long pause. "When I focus on Xingchen...here...I am better. I focus my energy on keeping him safe. On making him happy and comfortable. And now, when I focus on you...I do the same. I am happy...if you two are happy."

He expects still to be pushed away. Tense. But he doesn't move until that happens. Expects to be shunned again as a monster, a horrible little thing that should only be put down before it destroys everything good that is left.

He closes his eyes and masters himself. Calm. If he is calm, he won't react as negatively to the touch Xue Yang needs. Craves. He understands that now and when he opens his eyes, he gathers the other man into his arms, speaking quietly against his hair.

"In small increments, you must focus on yourself. You must discover the cause of your pain and come to us for help. I promise, you are not alone." Zichen can feel the tension and he continues softly, "That is the only way you will overcome it."

One of his hands rubs over Xue Yang's back in soothing circles.

"I believe you are strong enough."

The food falls from his hands, back to the plate, when he's tugged into warm arms. He shudders and burrows into the feeling of safety that is offered even now.

He listens and tries to understand. So much confusion. So much counter to all he's ever known and been taught or witnessed. Gentle hand on his back, rubbing to sooth him. No pain.

Heart racing too fast, surely Zichen can feel it!

"I haven't broken yet," he murmurs, trying to believe all that is being offered to him. Believe, accept, lean on...It's all he's ever wanted, really. Someone who believes in him. Someone who sees him, and sees he can do and be better.

Xue Yang lets out a breath and snuggles a little closer. "I will try, Daozhang."

He leans his head back slightly so Xue Yang can tuck himself close. That racing heart is felt and he rubs over the other man's chest too. Don't be frightened. Nothing can be solved in a panic, so they must take this slowly. But there is no part of Xue Yang that he is determined to ignore or run from.

"You won't." he promises - declares, "If you were destined to break, you would have done so already. This is about acceptance and healing. There are parts that will hurt and frighten you, but when you turn around, you will find you are not alone in the dark."

He slides a hand up Xue Yang's neck and caresses his cheek idly.

Edited 2020-06-04 10:04 (UTC)

Xingchen cuddles are one thing, and precious. But this...from Song Zichen? Xue Yang knows himself well enough to know how quickly he's already grown addicted to this affection. It helps settle his racing heart, although only from fear.

It changes to something completely else at the declaration. And the hand moving up his neck to his cheek has his face heat before he moves without thinking about it. Lifts his head to press his lips clumsily to Zichen's before he gasps and starts to scramble back.

Back and away - surely now is the best time to flee!

Simple comfort turns into something more - as he sensed it would when they meditated together. His heart skips a beat when lips brush against his mouth, but instead of the expected panic setting in, he feels something...exciting. Like a rush of heat, though they were nowhere near a fire.

Xue Yang has caused that heat and when he leaves his embrace, Zichen frowns, fingers grasping at thin air.

"Xue Yang..." his voice cracks and he rises, a little unsteady, from his chair, "Don't go..."

He has his back to Zichen by the time he hears the other stand and speak. Seeing what he expects would hurt more than he's willing to bear, but the plea tugs him to a stop. Xue Yang's fingers dig into the cloth at his sides as he tries to just breath, waiting for the expected derision.

He's ruined it. Surely he has. Normally he would grin and laugh it off. Pretend it's nothing. That it means nothing. He feels a little ill, even, for destroying something new he'd been enjoying.

But even unplanned...

"...Do you want me to apologize...Daozhang...?" Quiet and wary. "Is that why you won't let me go?"

The air is thick with fear. Zichen has his own misgivings about being touched - and especially being kissed - yet, strangely, he feels none of them. The fear, then, must be coming from Xue Yang. He notices how the other man grips the material of his robes - a nervous habit, perhaps? The tension must be painful, he presumes, given the state of one of those hands.

But that can be addressed later.

"Apologize for what?" he chooses his words carefully, sounding almost shy, "I didn't mind the kiss."

He had been the one to initiate contact and Xue Yang had only...made it sweeter. Zichen licks his lips and bows his head.

"Unless you regret it?"

He's still not used to thinking about others, other than how he can use them. It's easiest with Xingchen, getting easier with Wen Qing and Zichen. But never quite like this. Even with Xingchen he'd teased kisses from the sweet man and had been delirious with joy when they were returned.

It's different with Zichen. He can't even explain why.

Xue Yang listens. Hears the shy quality to that familiar voice, but it's the words that surprise him the most. "You...didn't?" Not doubt, exactly. Song Zichen isn't one to lie. Surprise, certainly. And he hesitantly turns his head enough to peer at him through loose hair.

Only to draw in a sharp breath at the question, and he half turns back before reigning himself in. "No! Only - only that I did not ask...

"I do not want to push you away..." So removing himself first just makes sense, right?

Xiao Xingchen is his other half - undoubtedly - and far more outgoing than him. Zichen is less...innocent...than that dear man and that was one of the many reasons he feared for Xingchen when they split apart. He will never forgive himself for saying such horrible things, yet he knows those words came from a side of him that Xingchen may not be able to understand.

Xue Yang could. They are not so different except in the choices they make.

"I didn't." he repeats, raising a hand to beckon Xue Yang back to him, "You would only do so if you left me."

The wording reaches his ears belatedly and he flushes, embarrassment making his stomach clench.

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